How to talk to your kids when they may be getting bullied online.

The Kindigo app raises a Concern when any communication appears to be cyberbullying.

When you get notified about a new Concern, please do not freak out. This article prepares you to talk to your child effectively when Kindigo finds potential cyberbullying taking place.

What should you do when you receive a Concern from Kindigo?

The first thing to check when you are notified about a Concern is if it is something to worry about, or something that our Algorithms mistook for a Concern. It could be that the Concern is a false concern. If it looks completely false, simply ignore it. But if you are even slightly doubtful, try to recognize if the concern qualifies as a cyberbullying incident (either mild or serious) using the below insights:

1. The first step is to recognize if the Concern is a cyberbullying incident or not.

How would you recognize? Start by speaking with your child.

Inform your child that you’ve received a Concern notification, and talk to them about the nature of that Concern and the person involved.

Listen patiently to what your child has to say. A few questions that you should ask the child are:

How does he or she know the person involved or the potential bully?

• What is the relationship between your child and this person?
• What is the context of this communication?
• Is this the first time your child and this person interacted?
• Did your child talk to someone else about it?
• How do your child feel about this interaction?

Read our article What is Cyberbullying to clarify any doubts regarding cyberbullying, and learn to identify if an incident is cyberbullying or not.

Your child’s perception of cyberbullying could be different from yours. Take these following research, for example:

According to the study Children’s Perspectives on Cyberbullying in which 28 children (aged 11–12 from four elementary schools) actively participated for 6 weeks, “It appears difficult for all parties involved to distinguish cyberbullying from innocent pranks. One child shared — Sometimes I call my friend funny names on MSN. Names like stupid, asshole, dumbass. When my mom sees this she punishes me. That is so annoying because it’s just a joke and she can’t understand that.”

The same study finds: “Some children also said that they had sent content to others that they had earlier described as cyberbullying. In their situations, however, the actions were justified as just-a-joke. Examples of these innocent actions were calling someone a ridiculous name followed by a smiley, fake fights, criticizing someone, death threats in online shooting games, and continuously sending invitation messages.”

Teenagers aren’t any less confused than elementary school students.

As per a PewInternet research, “Some of the troubling interactions that adults label as bullying may be referred to as “drama” by teenagers. The word “drama” sidesteps being positioned as a “victim” or “bully” and allows teens to see themselves as active participants in the things that happen to them.”

If your child says that the person involved is a friend, and that they did not feel hurt and the tone or words of the message are in line with the regular communication between the child and that person, you have nothing to worry about.

If your child is okay with the language, but you find it provocative or inappropriate, warn them against the use of such language. Also, inform your child that his or her relationship with this person does not matter when cyberbullying is concerned.

Listen to your child. Make a rational choice. Then, assess the situation. Is your child withdrawn, or something is unusual about his/her personality? Make sure they are not lying as they might be scared of the person, or scared that their phone & internet privileges might be taken away. Tell them that you would not take away their phone or internet over this.

If you think that the person is just playing pranks and is a good friend of your child — let the incident go. But starting now, be attentive to the child’s communication with this person. We would raise a concern again if we find any inappropriate communication with that person.

But if your child feels emotionally hurt, embarrassed, or shocked by the communication — or if any personal information has been revealed, then you should take the concern seriously.

Use our insights on cyberbullying from the above-mentioned article and your knowledge of your child’s personality to differentiate between drama or pranks and bullying.

If you don’t identify the Concern as cyberbullying — you have nothing to worry about. Just ignore it.

What if you DO identify the Concern as cyberbullying?

Once you’ve made sure that the Concern as a real concern — even though it might be mild — you should open an Incident. If you have an open Incident, you can observe it and act on it, if needed. You could then refer to this Incident if something happens later on.

2. Second Step — Protect your child emotionally.

When you have decided that the Incident qualifies as cyberbullying, let your child know that the behavior is not appropriate.

You should tell your child to remember that he or she did not do anything wrong, and were not at fault for what was happening or being said. Nobody should be bullied. Your child did not deserve to hear what he or she heard. The other people were wrong and your child should not listen to them. But do not fill your child with contempt against the potential bully. Let your child know that they are loved. Let them know that nothing bad is going to happen, and that you would do anything to protect them from danger.

3. Third Step — Educate and prepare your child for cyberbullying.

Once you have emotionally enveloped the child with your love, warmth, and presence, you need to take measures and educate the child to prevent this bullying from continuing or happening again. Though you should always keep your children informed and educated about cyberbullying, here are some specific guidelines to follow in case of an incident:

1. Never respond — Ask them to never respond to a nasty text from a cyberbully. Your child might be angry and frustrated and might want to fight back, but a cyberbully would be satisfied when he or she gets a response. If your child doesn’t respond, the bully might stop paying attention and move along. Otherwise, it could result in more aggression.
2. Your child can talk to someone he or she trusts — Tell your child that if he or she is not comfortable with some online communication, the child can show the message to someone he or she trusts, mostly the parents, and talk to them. Tell your child that you are always available to listen to anything and help him or her out. Never give your child the I told you so reaction. He or she might be already shy as you had warned them against internet usage. Or, your child might not want to share with you that they are being bullied or their schoolmates or peers don’t like them and make fun of them. Many children are scared that their parents would overreact and take away their internet and phone — which becomes an obstacle to seeking help. One child in the Child Perspective Studies said, ‘‘Losing your Internet connection is like losing your soul.” Ensure your child that you would always help them, that you would not take any action without their consent, and that you won’t take away his or her phone or internet.
3. Educate your child on the immediate steps — Talk to your child about blocking the concerned person so that he or she cannot send any further messages and harm your child emotionally. Tell your child that he or she need not go through any humiliation. Ask them to not open e-mail messages from sources they do not recognize. If bullying was done on a public forum, a social group, or social media — ask your child to check his or her privacy settings, and to log out and not use the online service until the bullying message is taken off or the bully is blocked.
4. If your child’s account was hacked — Educate your child on creating strong passwords with numbers, alphabets, and a character. Help him or her change the password and tell them to not share the password with anyone, not even with friends. Ask them if they’ve shared passwords already.
5. Educate your child about the personal information they can reveal on the internet — According to a 2013 Pew Research study, “Eight out of ten teens who use social media now share more information about themselves than they have in the past.” Ask your children to not reveal personal information such as full name, address, phone number, gender, school, images, and age. Ask them to choose an e-mail address and a screen name that is not suggestive or that encourage someone to respond. As CERT says, “Remember that the Internet is a public resource. Only post information you are comfortable with anyone seeing. This includes information and photos in your profile and in blogs and other forums.” Children should not share anything personal or provocative on social media. If the concern was around something like a bikini or a swimsuit photo, ask them to never share such private photos publicly. Set up their online sharing guidelines. CERT says, “That once you post information online, you can’t retract it. Even if you remove the information from a site, saved or cached versions may still exist on other people’s machines.” What once goes online stays online. Make sure your children know what sort of information to share to stay safe. Make sure their privacy settings are such that they share any information only with their friends and not publicly. Ask them to be extra vigilant towards information such as location, geotagging.
6. If the concern was around sexting — Tell your under-eighteen children that if they receive or send sexually suggestive images and messages that would be considered as child pornography and, hence, a legal offense. Give them statistics and tell them the hazards of sexting. Quoting dosomething.org, “24% of high-school age teens (ages 14 to 17) and 33% of college-age students (ages 18 to 24) have been involved in a form of nude sexting. 15% of teens who have sent or posted nude or semi-nude images of themselves send these messages to people they have never met, but know from the Internet. The danger is that 17% of sexters share the messages they receive with others, and 55% of those share them with more than one person.” Understand the intensity of sexting and educate your child as well.
7. Educate your child about the danger that strangers might pose — Even with unknown friends, who could be strangers, children should be careful. As per this PewInternet study, “33% of the teenagers are social media friends with strangers.” If the concern is a communication with a stranger friend, ask your child about how he or she came in touch with the stranger. Explain to them that these strangers could be dangerous or connected to bullies. Instruct your child to never meet the strangers in person and not share his or her personal photos with them. Your child should clearly know that he or she cannot trust these strangers no matter what they say.
8. Introduce the child to educational sites — Safety Land, WelcomeToTheWeb, carnegiecyberacademy, Get Cybersmart with Phineas and Ferb, Think U Know Cyber Café, NS Teens — All these educational websites and training centers teach children about how to use the internet and stay safe in a fun manner. Introduce your child to these websites and play along with them. Make learning and cyber-safety fun.
9. Ask your child if he or she would like to talk to some professional or someone they would be more comfortable with — If the situation is serious, your child might want to talk to some professional or someone more objective. Teenagers, in general, are more awkward to discuss their problems with their parents. Free counseling services such as Childhelphave professional counselors for young people. Counselors or psychologists might help children deal with the situation in a better way.

Remind your children that they’ll surely meet people who value them and respect them, while occasionally bumping into people such as bullies who would try to hurt them. If needed, help them grow in areas where they can build their personality and can make good friends. Make sure that because of harassment your child never turns into one of the harassers. Tell your child to be calm and patient and that viciousness is not a healthy response. Train them to empathize with the way their message could be received.

Depending on the situation, you should tell your child that you’ll have to report the bully either at the school, to the social media provider, or to the police. Convince your child not to be scared, that you’re here for them, and doing the right thing.

What if your child was the one cyberbullying?

Then tell your child that cyberbullying is wrong. Ask them how he or she would have felt if someone was bullying them. Monitor the child’s internet, phone, and social media usage via Kindigo. Kindigo would raise a Concern if it finds something suspicious. Try and figure out the reason why your child might be bullying someone. Were they bullied themselves? If the bullying continues even after your conversation, take your child to a psychologist or other professional — Someone who can talk and understand your child’s motives, and how to stop your child from bullying.

How should you handle the Concern within Kindigo?

When we show a Concern to a parent, they have the option to either “Mark it Safe” or “Open an Incident”.

This is how you get notified of a Concern.

If you think that the Concern is nothing to worry about, close it using the Mark Safe option. But if you think that you need to address the Concern further, use the Open Incident option to keep the Concern open. Once you open an Incident, it is added to the list of Open Incidents and you can see the list of all Concerns that you need to handle.

We will also store all evidence of the incident — messages, pictures, posts, emails along with the timestamps and sender’s complete digital profile and information. Parents can also explore the past history with the same person — accessible in the closed incident tab.

When a parent has opened an Incident, they can see any old Incidents in the Resolved tab.

Parents can see the actual Incident — which we raise as a Concern — and then they are in full control of the situation to take action. Once the parents open an Incident, they can click on Report, as shown in the image, and follow the guidelines to report this to the social media platform on which this Incident happened.

Hopefully, this article prepared you to talk to your child in the case of a concern and educate your child to combat cyberbullying with your help. If you have any questions please feel free to email us or contact via the contact form within your Kindigo app. We are more than happy to help.