First Day of Classes
I’m on a broad balcony halfway up one of the engineering halls. It’s new. Glass and Shiny. The balcony is almost empty. it’s my first time on the computer today. I can finally reflect on all that’s gone today. I woke up the earliest I have so far. Earlier than any of my roommates, for the first time. Glaring daylight shuddered back in the room. I slog stomache growling to the basic study skills ‘class’ on the exact opposite edge of campus. I slog and stare at yoga pants and trek and bleed sweat. I round a strange corner and the elusive brickyard building reveals itself. I’m making great time, still about an hour until class starts. SHITSHITSHIT. This revelation awakens my bowels. Suddenly my trembling asshole signals epidemic system failure. The dams are gonna burst if I can’t get to a toilet in t-minus three minutes. Fuck I can’t make it across the street in time. I slide into an empty design building behind me. Women’s restroom in front of the door. Sign says men’s is either a floor above or below. I can’t allow any concessions to the calls of below. And if I take the quicker stairs the movement might be enough to set of the C-4 studding the dam walls. I press the sundevil emblazoned elevator button and ghostly gears begin to wake up.
The elevator carriage groggily makes its way down to me. Maybe it doesn’t now my asshole’s sudden weakness. Maybe it itself is an asshole. It arrives. I slowly, carefully enter slide past the metallic asshole lips. Groggy whirrs again and I’m released on the second floor. With the caution of the bomb defuser I have now become, I tiptoe around the corner and into the mythical men’s bathroom. Empty. Into the stall, down goes belt, shorts, undies, now moist with anxiety. I consider not putting down a paper cover. I HAVE heard that you can’t contract disease through your buttcheeks. Butt I have faith in the brave stewards of my asshole, they will bear five more seconds. Success. I sit on my paper-gilded throne, Moses releases the sea walls, salt water clips a ragged followers foot. But the wild sloshing muck of the Brown Sea unleash their fury, shaking the weakly caulked foundations of my porcelain nirvana. Eons of study, learned lavatory mastery thankfully went into designing and realizing this toilet. It holds against the merciless forces of my underworld. And I breath a sigh of relief and thank the old masters for their work.
I wipe and head to class, not the fearful, weak-bootied boy of before. No. I no longer fear the shadowed demons within me, for I have met them head on. I have battled the adobe-colored dragons and deep waters of my underworld. And with the only the aid of some arcane forces and my own guile, I have persisted into victory. I now sit here, looking out from upon this balcony, with full knowledge of my limits and of my true strength. And I have only begun my journey.
