How to Banish Judgment

Judgment hurts you more than others

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Recently, I had a really bad experience with a dentist this past week that made me examine the problem of judgment and how it can interfere in our lives.

Without rehashing all the gory details of that visit, the short of the long of it is that both the dentist’s x-ray technician and the dentist himself both deemed my loved one lazy and worthless because my loved one is physically disabled. They had no compassion or comprehension that they were judgy, judgmental people. They harped on the fact that while they were insisting on getting my loved one into an x-ray machine that would most certainly hurt my loved one’s neck, they didn’t like the tone used. When I tried to ask for a bit of compassion and understanding because my loved one was experiencing a high pain day and they were insisting on doing something that would cause more pain, the dentist deemed my appeal and the discussion about my loved one’s disability as “drama” and kicked us out without care. Apparently, the x-ray technician thought that we were the only ones obligated to watch our tone, but because she was angry and upset, she could do what she wished. We were basically denied service due to my loved one’s disability.

The x-ray technician felt that she had every right to judge my loved one because she claimed she was in pain every day, but she never mistreated anyone because of it without even realizing that she was in the process of mistreating my loved one and me at that very moment. She implied that she and the dentist both have pain every day, but they both get up and do their jobs because “they don’t have a choice.”

Because she was angry and judgmental, she had not gotten the point. Being in pain and experiencing disabling pain are two different things. Chronic, disabling pain is something that is complex and difficult for most people to understand.

Plenty of people have gotten judgy with us over the years. We have had people say out loud in our presence that my loved one is faking the disability to get some sort of perceived benefits.

While we feel lucky that we live in a country that supports its disabled, make no mistake in thinking that living off of disability is easy. Over a lifetime, one makes far more money when they can participate in the working world. People who live off of disability often live in poverty.

Moreover, living with a disabling condition affects everything, including simply being able to enjoy oneself without a day in pain, time spent in bed instead of being able to enjoy time with loved ones, and being able to use one’s skills in an awesome career.

My loved one cannot even use a cane most days. Maybe this would help other people’s perception, but using canes hurts my loved one’s wrists. Why carry around a useless stick that hurts?

So, if someone is able to work, their condition isn’t bad enough to keep them in bed, and this is the difference between pain and disabling pain.

Even though this was expressed during the office visit, we were asked to leave due to the disability “drama”. I think the dentist also didn’t like women because he looked my way when he said it.

That dentist didn’t like a lot of things, and his inflexibility due to judgment excluded us from his practice. Now, he has lost that income for the rest of his life. Even if he invited us back, and if he knew how to regrow teeth, we most likely wouldn’t go because he lost our trust.

We’ll find another dentist, one that can provide more competent care to everyone, not just “drama-free” nondisabled individuals. Our care is delayed, but he is the one who is truly missing out.

Besides, my family is full of awesome individuals.

If you are reading this, you’re not a Judgy McJudgerson like this dentist. You are interested in making sure you treat others with compassion and caring, even if we try and fail many times.

This incident caused me to examine my own judgment as well.

You see, we are all hardwired to make judgments. These decisions help keep us safe every day, like not running in traffic or jumping off cliffs without a parachute because we think it might be really neat if we could fly.

When one’s judgment works overtime in a nonproductive way, we are engaging in a process that helps to protect a fragile part of ourselves.

For example, the dentist and his x-ray technician seemed to have a superiority complex: If I can get up and go to work despite pain every day, then everyone can do it.

This creates an implied meaning: Therefore, everyone who is disabled is faking it.

This defect in thinking, attitude, and idea bolsters a weak sense of self. It does not achieve this in a productive way. I have made this incident public through feedback left on the dentist. I am making a complaint because his and his x-ray technician’s treatment of us violated the American Disabilities Act. This will affect his practice because of his rigid thinking and ideas. His condoning his x-ray technician’s behavior brings him more harm.

Someone who is truly able to have a reasonable discussion without shutting down and making judgy determinations is secure enough in one’s self to examine other people’s point of view and has the skills to come to a rational compromise that all parties can benefit from and live with.

Judgment serves a purpose, but a lot of the world’s problems stem from overweaning judgment. Even the human with the worst behavior should be shown compassion, understanding, and respect because it might be something that was never taught to him or her. This person lives life devoid of these things, and that is very sad. This person may not deserve our trust, but at least, on the surface, we can model good behavior so we treat everyone with respect and decency.

I know that this viewpoint makes some people angry, and that is okay. If you’re not in a place to understand it, I’m not judging you.

There are circumstances that can prevent one from getting there when it comes to judgment. For example, family members who have lost a loved one due to murder would most likely judge the murderer harshly, hate him or her, and do everything they can to make sure that person spends an entire lifetime behind bars.

All that hurt and anger is completely understandable and even necessary for the grieving process. However, that hurt and anger, when left too long, inhibits the healing process, which in turn can offer other things like forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. Forgiveness is for ourselves rather than for others. A person may never understand what it means when we forgive them, and that is okay. Forgiveness is a sign that we have let go of our anger and moved forward.

People are able to engage in forgiveness, true forgiveness, when we have let go of a lot of things like anger and all that entails, but part of that is judgment.

Judgment activates our anger. Someone has wronged us, so we get angry. Then, to bolster the belief that we are right and the other person is wrong, we judge our opponent to create reasons why the person couldn’t possibly be right or have a point. That person officially becomes an opponent who is threatening some established belief we have, and our human instinct is to destroy the opposition so we can continue our belief system, which often masks a dark and ugly truth we are not ready to face.

This is what keeps us all separated from each other. This is how we protect our fragile sense of self and shut out other possibilities for healing and collaboration.

So, if you are truly devoted to living your life with compassion for others rather than allowing overweaning judgment to live out your fears and rule your anger, there are ways to do it:

1. Be open to learning, even when the lessons are hard.
2. Be ready to admit some things about yourself that cast you in an imperfect light. (When we protect our inner narratives, it means they are masking a fragile sense of self. Often, these narratives paint us as the hero and everyone else as the villain.)
3. Let go of your guilt for not being the ideal human being. ALL of us have tendencies like this that can make us seem really shitty at times.
4. Be brave. It’s not easy to admit when we are acting shitty.
5. Forgive yourself for the shitty things you have done. (By the way, I am purposely using shitty because once you let cursing cat out of the bag, it doesn’t matter if you say it once or a hundred times.)
6. Now that you acknowledge your own failings and foibles, and you have exercised compassion for yourself, you can work on extending compassion and understanding to everyone else on the planet. This can include forgiving me for saying shitty five times.

Want a Psychological Deep Dive Wrapped Up in a Supernatural Thrill Ride?

Okay, check out this book review:

5.0 out of 5 stars It’s a five star story BUT

Reviewed in the United States on March 6, 2024

It’s a five star story but it’s 4am and I am afraid to sleep.

This is not your typical story arc. I have no idea why I got this book(maybe the kick-ass cover?)

BUT it caught me, it creeped me out, it would not let me put it down.

Yes it would qualify as a Paranormal story but it is to me a Thriller, a Mystery and a thorough breakdown of the Evil we possess.

Kudos to the writer. You made my mind all twisty turny and I plan to call my therapist in the morning.

You know, I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

However, the way my mind is churning right now? The book should be classified as Horror.

You can get this book on Amazon.com for free if you have a Kindle account:

Inside Dweller: Book I, Genesis (Inside Dweller Series 1)

Please leave a review! It’ll give you good karma.

Happy reading!

About the Author

Kirsten Schuder‘s first publishing venture with her coauthors, Farming Industrial Hemp Not Your Daddy’s Tobacco earned an international award only three months after publication. Their book has been influential in the establishment and legalization of America’s newest agricultural crop. Her science-fantasy book, Inside Dweller: Genesis, was published in September, 2023 and is widely available. Kirsten has published hundreds of articles and blog posts as a writer and journalist and edited thousands more as an expert mental health editor, including for the mammoth wikiHow. Through Apex Literary Management, she manages the boutique literary agency and represents bestselling authors. Finally, she writes whatever the heck she wants in Kirsten’s Short Attention Span on Medium.