The Role Male Allies Play in My Life
Full transparency — I have not been big on the idea of male allies historically. It felt like I was trying to get buy-in on the idea that I am a human being who deserves equal opportunities to thrive. I am proud to say, my opinions on the concept have evolved a lot over the past few years. Ultimately, I know that the more inclusive a movement is, the more effective it will be. It will also be a better experience for everyone involved, both those in power and those that are underrepresented. My growth on this issue culminated with me leading a fireside chat with two of my male allies from Mastin Labs at an event put together through my Lean In Chapter.
Having male allies at work has been instrumental in my healing process. My last full-time job (not listed on my Linkedin!) ended with my firing and being cursed out. Previous to that I had experienced overt sexual harassment in the workplace and much abuse from male colleagues. After freelancing full-time for two years, I was not sure I was ready to immerse myself in another company. I was genuinely afraid of putting myself out there again. It was not until I surrounded myself with amazing women in organizations such as Lean In and the men I work with at Mastin Labs that I realized I was ready to join a company full-time.
My Everyday Ally Experiences
During my fireside chat, I tried to share a couple of real examples of what it looks like to be an everyday ally. I have discovered some of the best ways men support me as a woman are rooted in the small daily interactions that can get overlooked. Sometimes being a woman at work can feel like death by a thousand paper cuts, it is not always substantial apparent cuts, but rather small nicks that slowly amass over time. Being an everyday ally means you focus on helping us heal the little nicks as they come.
Allies take ownership when they make mistakes. Navigating the dynamics at work can be hard. Everyone comes to the table with his or her own inherent and unconscious biases that don’t go away overnight. Being an everyday ally means you are willing to own up when you make a mistake. Ownership does not imply malicious intent, and the act of apologizing sends a strong signal that you are on my side. At Mastin Labs, we have tried to create a culture that runs on the premise that we are all doing the best we can. When my colleague, Chad, fell into a very typical situation of gaining credit for my idea, he quickly realized what happened and remedied it both publicly to the team and privately with me. That humbling act spoke volumes.
Allies stand up for you, even when you are not around. When I made some massive shifts in our affiliate marketing programs, I was met with opposition. While most of my affiliates came to me and we found a solution, some tried to go around me to our founder, Kirk. When this happened, he not only sent them back to me, he took the opportunity to educate them on their own unconscious biases. He did not let the “boys club” perpetuate. He stood up for me even when I was not there. It was one of the most meaningful moments in my career to have my founder do this.
Allies believe you, period. It is hard to share experiences of abuse, let alone share them with the gender that was the perpetrator of that abuse. Stories of harassment at work? Yeah, add a third layer of fear and hesitation on top of all of that. During my freelancer interview, Kirk asked me the question I always dreaded, “Why did you leave your last job?” At that moment, I decided to be completely honest. I skipped the corporate speak and I told him my story of getting fired after the founder of that company had cussed me out. I was so afraid he would not see the situation through my eyes. He was a great ally that day because he accepted my story at face value without probing questions that imply I may be at fault. Nearly two years later, when I shared that experience with my colleagues, in preparation for our fireside chat, they reacted with the same empathy.
Allies are vocal about where they stand. Within my fireside chat, I use the example of the #MeToo movement and sexual harassment as something I find comfort in knowing where my colleagues position on the issue. I want to be a resource on this issue for others, but honestly, as someone who was sexually harassed by their boss, I do not have the emotional bandwidth for it. I find it offensive that someone will lump a misplaced compliment in with the same movement as Matt Lauer locking women in his office. I feel pretty black and white on sexual harassment.
Allies actively engage in the conversation. Real talk, being the person that everyone asks for guidance on gender issues can be exhausting. That must sound pretty weird coming from a very outspoken advocate for gender equality who spends a good chunk of her week trying to push the issue forward. My allies have formed their opinions and supported not just on me but their thirst for understanding on the issues. They actively contribute to the conversation. All the man that showed up for the Lean In event were exhibiting this behavior. (Thank you!)
How I Support My Allies
Hosting a fireside chat with your male colleagues in front of a room of 300 people is indeed an extreme way to support male allyship. However, seriously, the support they give me every day is worth me doing that as often as I possibly can. I do not know that I can express how much they have affected my life for the positive but here are a few things I try to do to show my gratitude.
I thank them for the small stuff. When someone at works makes a move to be more inclusive I always let them know I noticed, even if they completely fail. The effort matters and thanking them for that is one small way I try to return the support.
I support their stuff too. Whether it is that their daughters are selling girl scout cookies or they have a friend looking for a job or maybe its answering phones for KEXP at 5 am (cough CHAD cough), I support them as they support me.
I try to keep evolving. I’m not always a cool cucumber when it comes to gender equality issues. Sometimes my gut reaction to a situation is not very developed or nuanced. I try to keep growing so I can make our environment a positive one. The last thing I want to do is scare them away from discussing gender equality issues with me.
The Role Male Allies Play in My Life
I am surprised to say that male allies play a pretty significant role in my life. They were an integral part of the decision making around going to work in a company full-time, they have influenced my perspective on issues, and they have taught me a lot about what it means to be a good partner at work and within my friendships. Thank you, Chad Syme, Andrew Shepherd, Jonny Wade, and Kirk Mastin for being my allies. Thank you to all the men who showed up for our fireside chat, watched the live stream and gave us feedback on our first event with men, you are great allies to women.
If you are interested in the entire event (you should be, it was awesome), you can watch it here on our Facebook Live Stream replay.
