20/20 Hindsight:
Or Things I Should Have Said or Done
We all have those epic moments in life, epic failures that make us wish we could go back in time and change our response.
So without further adieu, here are some of my one-liners in creative, fictional re-writes of actual, normal, blase situations.
*standing with my arms crossed, face set like stone*
Here’s the 24-hour suicide hotline. Even if you’re suicidal, you’re still an ass. There’s the door, and I don’t care if it hits you in your ass on your way out.
*walking with a close friend in a dark corner*
You know what your problem is?
You have your goals, and they are fine, dandy, and noble. You’ll be a fabulous servant to humankind (profession changed to protect the innocent and guilty).
But you’re missing out on life. You are hiding behind your goals, avoiding close intimacy at all costs.
*pushes him into a corner, kisses him deeply, walks away*
*puts down the science text, walks toward his computer where strange symbols cover the screen, begins to rub his shoulders*
You know, we call each other brother and sis. Seriously, though, you remember what happened every time Abraham and Sarah passed each other off as brother and sister. God saw all hearts, and bad things happened. Maybe God sees our hearts, and we should stop playing with fire; let’s see what God sees in us.
*gently kisses his shoulder*
*slams hands on table, standing and turning to face verbal accuser*
Yes, I may be an apostate in your eyes, and I may very well be going to hell. But I would watch that judgment club you wield. You might find God holds you up and bludgeons you with it some day.
*slams out the door*
No, she is not a Jezebel. She is just a strong woman who in this moment told you you’re wrong. Your man brain cannot handle being told you’re wrong.
No, I am not crazy. I just choose to live my life differently than you want me to. I don’t feel a need to meet your standards or anyone else’s. I get that your brain explodes when you have to think differently to understand someone who won’t live life your way.
I don’t believe my marriage is broken. I believe that you are a jealous creature. You can’t stand me being happy, and you don’t want to do the work that my husband does to bring me pleasure and joy.
She is not an emotional crazy woman who is overreacting. She is changing her home territory. She had a logical, orderly plan for changing her territory, and you male jerks blew it. You didn’t stand up for her, and then you tried to make it like she expected too much in expressing a need for a logical, orderly process.
*sighs, rolls eyes toward heaven, stares at horizon*
I get connection is important. I get that you want me to do more meetings. But nothing happens at these meetings. It’s all so sophomoric. They won’t do my things to connect, and if I don’t do their things, they won’t connect. So remind me again why I should feel something differently than I do?
Free will? You say that denomination believes in free will? I suspect you’re wrong. You see, they say if even one parent is in that denomination, all children must stay that denomination. I had no choice but to be that denomination. Define free will for me again.
*laughs, rubbing bulletin from her chosen denomination*
