Catching Up

This has been a very dry season for me creatively.

Visual representation of how I feel about my life — the drying of my creativity with the feeling I meet myself coming and going. Image courtesy of Pixabay.

I’m trying to write for a general population, but I can only seem to focus on the Words of my Master and where He leads. Yet, I don’t want to be the writer of devotionals or the latest Christian self-help piece.

Add to that the demands of parenting three kids with hidden disabilities as the one-year anniversary of a devastating house fire is rolling around.

Two seem okay, but I remember how clever I was (or tried to be) at hiding how I really felt from my “beleaguered” parents. I worry that they are succumbing to the latest psychological flavor to not have to do the hard work of adulting. However, I also worry that I’m missing cues that they’re far worse off than I realize.

The third has been a beautiful challenge. It’s not like aspergers hasn’t made life complex and complicated, forcing me to grow as a human far more than I ever wanted to. Now we also have PTSD. Fire drills can trigger her; the neighbor’s steak on the grill can trigger her; cruel, ignorant kids saying the wrong things at the wrong time can trigger her. I’m trying to respond to each night interruption and meltdown with love, compassion, patience, and tenderness.

In a selfish moment, I want to run away. No one notices me. No one sees my needs. No one takes care of me. No one forces me to evaluate and handle my self-care. I’m sick and tired, and I want to resign from adulthood. My husband has set my behavior standards surrounding anger and negativity so high I feel wound up inside so tight that the springs will all explode.

Skittish horse that represents how I feel sometimes. Image courtesy of Pixabay.

Amid all this, I am learning the skills for a job in education by going back to college. I am also working part-time as a substitute through an educational temp agency. I’m finding the choices, errors, and mistakes of the undergrads in my classes irritating, just as irritating as the online job scheduler not working with the auto-dialer.

The last time I felt this way, I did a 40-day positivity challenge. Through honoring the tug on my heart, I came up with my next career. I’m feeling like there’s another challenge coming.

I have a friend who’s a Methodist minister. In this region, his authorities require him and his family to move to a new assignment every three years. I don’t completely understand why, but from the training I’ve taken, I suspect it has to do with preventing abuse by shortening the time a pervert would have to groom victims.

Having just gone through 2 moves in less than 7 months, I feel for him. This time around he has kids who are old enough to be aware of the change and possibly not handle it well.

He has been sharing on our social media connection different prayer requests and plans for his fall sermons. It was interesting that he plans to focus on the rebuilding and renovation that Nehemiah led; although he’s not read it, I did a blog post on Nehemiah (more from the standpoint of modern jobs in the Bible, that is project manager) so I’m quite curious.

I don’t completely understand how he’s going to handle it. It would be quite creepy stalker for me to camp out week after week to critique his ideas. That said, he’s created a “worksheet” for his friends of all the prayer verses in Nehemiah that could be used to pray over others. He does admit he was inspired by a web site, but he felt that the website didn’t convey the proper depth and richness of Nehemiah.

So, in need of another breakthrough and still feeling the awesomeness (think respect and trepidation not cool and fun) of what I will do as an educator, I plan to start a new series next week. Those of you who dislike Christian Scripture will want to tune out for a season.

Hoping my solution solves my creativity problem. Image courtesy of Pixabay.

I’m going to take my friend’s prayer prompts and turn them into a series for teachers who are believers to use over their classes. In effect, even as my friend is hoping he’s being prayed into a good place in his new assignment and his flock’s hearts are being prepared to receive what he feels led to teach, I want to encourage teachers who believe to consider praying for themselves and the students they’ll serve in the new academic year.

And yes, I am selfishly praying God reveals my first professional education assignment to me soon.