Melting Tangles
The heat of summer…
It’s like my brain has melted and can form no cogent thoughts to share.
I stare at the screen and wonder what to write. I have all these thoughts driving down the road, scrubbing the toilet, paying the bills. Then I break and look at the screen… it all vaporizes.
I am thinking about the hardships my family has faced… how they’ve both cracked us and cemented us. However, the feeling words to move others just can’t be found.
I am pondering the harshness of life for my daughter who has aspergers. It wasn’t enough that she was born with it… she had to survive a fire, teasing bordering on bullying, and then get night terrors. I am pondering the harshness of life for my daughter who has aspergers. It wasn’t enough that she was born with it… she had to survive a fire, teasing bordering on bullying, and then get night terrors. She is one of the sweetest people I know despite having me as her mother. Why is the only word I have.
I am pondering in amazement the maturity at this time of my most challenged daughter. She has grown in discipline and strength. She schedules odd jobs for herself and works with all the adults in her life who don’t like working together to get her to work. She even follows a budget at her age.
I am both proud and a little concerned for my other daughter. Despite her challenges, she finished an adult night school with a state license and well on her way to a national license. However, money is a problem for her. She gets sad or angry and spends to feel good. She has even had some cads take advantage of her good nature and “borrow.” I hate that the culture we live in doesn’t give her more protections.
Meanwhile, I’m wound up tighter than the DNA double helix. I am in a season of waiting and change, and the two forces wrestle in my heart and mind. I feel ready to both implode and explode. I am trying to spend my waiting time learning and growing and getting ready. I’ve taken interviews and learning sessions, and yet, I cannot tell if anything’s done any good.
I am also borderline amazed at how far I’ve come. Three years ago, had you told me I’d be laid off, lose my house to a fire, and (publish a half-finished piece on my blog and) be becoming a teacher, I would have laughed in your face… openly… with a loud guffaw.
As for my hubby, I feel like somehow we’re both connected and losing touch. We never seem to be in the same place at the same time. Once in a while, we manage an hour here or there. It’s hard. I want to say we’re growing together, but sometimes I feel like two ships drifting that can’t even dock in the same harbor together.
Is summer? Is it change? Is it just this season of my life? How do I shorten my wait time?
