Questions I Face…

I love writing and I love ideas. I’m also biologically female and quite (semi) intellectual with a strong logical overlay. I’m a Christian, but yet I feel more comfortable being solo in the world than hanging out in a Bible study.

This is causing me some struggle. I find that I am asking hard questions, and I can’t get good answers.

Worldly friends don’t understand why the Bible and Christ are so important and so real to me. Christian friends don’t seem to understand that some of the ways they value life, attitude, and action don’t work in the world.

The world sees me as too weak, too willing to be led by the nose, too old-fashioned. Those in the church feel I’m too strong, not submissive enough, too into exploring new ideas.

It’s enough to fracture my mind and drive me to despair. My thoughts start to swirl, my pulse and breath count increase, and I can easily lose all cohesive thought for the afternoon trying to unpeel all the onion layers.

As a Christian, if I write fiction, do I still give glory to God if I write from the standpoint of a rapist? Can I take the point of view of a demon for a story? If I write as a good angel, am I making some deep theological point too facetious and light-hearted?

Why is it, when I’m in the world as a Christian, my ideas don’t get heard until I’ve loudly dropped every cuss word in the universe? Why is it that I can’t raise questions without being rebellious or trying to usurp someone’s position and authority? When someone worldly is in meltdown mode — complete with gossip, slander, complaining, arguing, vulgarity, and pride — I walk away so I don’t fall into those traps that the enemy always lays for me; why am I anti-social and not connecting well?

Why is it, when I as a Christian am having a bad day and make a negative post, I have Christian brothers and sisters not even connected to me demanding apology instead of comforting, consoling, and encouraging me followed by prayer for me? Or when I join a new group to explore how they think and feel, I get challenged because the group doesn’t have a desired image when what I really need is support to go be what I’m called to be?

*sighs*

My Christian friends tell me I can’t have answers to these questions this side of eternity. They’re probably right. Yet, I know some of those answers properly worded might at least give my worldly friends something to think about.

And so, the tension remains for a season longer…