Mind Over Matter
How I overcame anxiety through reflection and conversation
Personal narrative written by Renee Holt
It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when it all started. Suddenly, simple daily interactions became too much for me to handle. From raising my hand to ask a question in class to making a simple phone call, various tasks became uncomfortable and draining, both mentally and physically.
My stomach would be in knots before class and sleeping became almost impossible. I would start to choke up and my voice would shake as I struggled to breathe in class.
Looking back, this began about four years ago, near the end of my junior year of high school. Even though my physical and mental reactions didn’t feel quite right, I brushed it off as part of being somewhat shy and quiet.
The height of my anxiety occurred during my sophomore year at Western Washington University when I started taking upper division courses. Gone were the days of freshman year where I could simply blend in with everyone else. The professors now knew every student and participation was not only expected, but was required.
If the professor asked a question and the students were quiet, I would look down, pretending to write notes, and hope I wouldn’t be called on. It wasn’t because I didn’t know the answer. I was terrified of having attention on me, talking too quietly, or saying the wrong thing.
I had constant physical discomfort in social situations and my heart would race. My anxiety also started to negatively affect my grades. After many sleepless nights, I began my research.
I turned to the internet for an explanation, like many of the 18.5 percent of adults in the United States who will experience mental illness in any given year, as estimated by the National Alliance on Mental Illness. I desperately wanted to find a name for what I was feeling and after two weeks, I realized I was dealing with Social Anxiety Disorder. This disorder affects roughly 15 million Americans and typically begins at age 13, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America.
It is defined as an extreme fear of being scrutinized and judged by others in social situations. I found myself experiencing nearly all of the physical symptoms listed on the websites: shortness of breath, trembling, nausea, sweating and dizziness.
During the fall quarter of my sophomore year, I turned to Western’s Counseling Center. Once a week in the drizzling rain, I would hike up the leaf-covered stairs to the fifth floor of Old Main.
For 10 weeks, I took advantage of the individual counseling services, which are free for Western students. The 50-minute-long sessions with my counselor every Friday morning helped me tremendously. At the beginning, it was difficult and emotional to sit face-to-face with a counselor, but talking through the causes and history of my anxiety began to alleviate my stress.
I used a breathing technique called “belly breathing” to help calm my nerves when I was getting anxious in class. I learned that keeping notes of the anxiety-driven situations and setting specific goals allowed me to focus on the task at hand and place my anxiety on the back burner. Each time my anxiety filled my body, I would tell myself it would be easier next time.
Talking with my parents and close friends about my weekly counseling sessions opened the door for important conversations about mental health on college campuses that often remain ignored.
Now in my senior year, I still experience anxiety, but I try to not let it hold me back. Two years ago I was terrified to make simple phone calls, and now I work on campus where my job revolves around calling people.
This is only my story, but my hope is that sharing this will open that door for someone else to also share their story or seek help. Discussing mental health can help lessen the stigma surrounding it and let people know that they aren’t completely alone.
I still may not be the most talkative student in class, but when a professor asks a question, I no longer look away in fear. Instead, I take a deep breath and raise my hand.
