5 Things That No One Tells You About Meditation: Setting Your Expectations Straight
#1: It may not be for you, at this time.
By now, everyone knows the benefits of regular meditation practice. A simple online search reveals thousands of articles (scientific, as well as anecdotal) claiming the positive effects of meditation on our bodies and minds.
However, the reasons why people stop meditating seem to be discussed less. According to a study that followed up patients who were referred to a meditation practice, 54% of the meditators dropped out within two years of starting meditating.[1] According to a more recent study, 63% of the practitioners have dropped out of a mindfulness meditation practice within a year of starting.[2] Obviously, the reasons that draw people to meditation are not the same reasons why people stick with regular meditation practice:
“Whereas for beginners, meditation seems to be frequently used as a means to reduce negative aspects of life, experienced meditators use it more to enrich their lives.”[3]
As someone who has been struggling to maintain a regular meditation practice, these results definitely do not come as a surprise to me. Many of us are fed with unrealistic or misleading expectations prior to starting our practices.
To save you some of the frustration I went through over the past ten years, here are the five things I wish I had known back then:
#1: It may not be for you, at this time
Meditation is an advanced practice and requires physical and mental preparation. In the yoga tradition, for instance, a newcomer is not expected to begin meditating immediately but start with practising moral principles (yama and niyama), physical postures (asana), and breathwork (pranayama) before delving into the mind work. A recent meta-analysis shows that around 8% of meditators experience adverse effects due to their meditation practices — and this number increases to 33% for some studies.[4] Anxiety, depression, and cognitive anomalies are the most frequent adverse effects people experience.
Does this mean that you should not start meditating? Absolutely not! However, a little self-awareness goes a long way. Just make sure that you are being honest with yourself every step of the way.
In fact, I would suggest that you build a full-fledged meditation practice step by step — not only length-wise but also when it comes to the practice itself. There are lots of other ways to build awareness for the physical, emotional, and mental body before you go directly into sitting cross-legged, closing your eyes, focusing on your breath, and observing your thoughts for half an hour.
#2: There is no such thing as stopping or controlling your thoughts
Another misconception about meditation is the expectation that you should be able to stop your thoughts. Some people think that for a meditation practice to be ‘successful’, the thoughts should stop flowing. On the contrary, thoughts are not stoppable, they’re not meant to be stopped (until they do - when you’re dead).
Meditation is observing your thoughts with curiosity, without getting attached to any of them. Moreover, a meditation practice just is, there is no success or failure when it comes to meditating. You either do it or do not. The point is to lose your focus one thousand times and find it back one thousand and one times.
#3: It takes time and patience to find the right practice for you
Guided or unguided? This tradition or that tradition? Focus on your breath, or a mantra, or a mudra? Stop overthinking and start meditating already!
For most beginners, I’d suggest starting with a mainstream guided meditation that you can find anywhere. You may end up swimming in the wrong waters at first, you may feel that none of the practices that you tried hit home. Still, keep going. It doesn’t mean that you will enjoy a certain type of meditation practice just because the majority of people enjoy it.
I’ve had periods where I couldn’t tolerate any guidance during my meditations, and there were times I only practised with guidance. I started not being able to tolerate focusing on my breath and moved on to not being able to tolerate focusing on my body. I hated ‘body scan’, then loved it. You have to see for yourself.
#4: Beware of “spiritual bypassing”
Meditation (or any sort of spiritual practice, for that matter) can easily become an instrument of checking out and avoiding life. This is called spiritual bypassing, or “spiritually distracting ourselves from our feelings — but thinking that we are walking a healthy spiritual path”.[5]
John Welwood, the psychologist who coined the term, defined spiritual bypassing as “spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep personal, emotional ‘unfinished business,’ to shore up a shaky sense of self, or to belittle basic needs, feelings, and developmental tasks”.[6]
Some of the signs of spiritual bypassing are not focusing on the here and now, living in a spiritual realm much of the time, overemphasizing the positive and avoiding the negative, being self-righteous about the concept of enlightenment, being overly detached or idealistic, having feelings of entitlement, engaging in cognitive dissonance, being overly compassionate, and pretending that everything is okay when it’s not.[6] Many people who engage in spiritual bypassing, exhibit frequent bursts of anger and rage. Considering the amount of energy required to bottle up the emotions that bring us discomfort, not surprising at all…
#5: The aim is to bring mindfulness to the rest of your life
Many of us stay stuck with the activity of meditation itself. We sweat the small stuff such as when, where, how, and how long we should meditate. We often forget that the whole point of meditation is to bring more awareness (or mindfulness) to our lives in general. Regardless of the reasons you start and continue meditating (physical or mental health, stress reduction, spirituality, etc.), one of the most important outcomes of meditation practice is the ability to stay more aware in the present moment. Mindfulness is not meant to be practised only on the meditation cushion but cultivated throughout our entire lives.
Wrapping Up
Although meditation is a great way to do so, you don’t have to meditate to cultivate mindfulness or awareness. Remember that meditation is simply one of the many tools you can use and enjoy every minute of it (even it feels uncomfortable). Just like anything else in life, being self-compassionate and self-aware is crucial.
References
[1] Delmonte, M.M. Personality correlates of meditation practice frequency and dropout in an outpatient population. J Behav Med 11, 593–597 (1988). https://doi.org/10.1007/BF00844908
[2] Pepping, C.A., Walters, B., Davis, P.J. et al. Why Do People Practice Mindfulness? An Investigation into Reasons for Practicing Mindfulness Meditation. Mindfulness 7, 542–547 (2016). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-016-0490-3
[3] Sedlmeier, P., Theumer, J. Why Do People Begin to Meditate and Why Do They Continue?. Mindfulness 11, 1527–1545 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-020-01367-w
[4] Farias, M, Maraldi, E, Wallenkampf, KC, Lucchetti, G. Adverse events in meditation practices and meditation‐based therapies: a systematic review. Acta Psychiatrica Scandinavica 142, 374–393 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1111/acps.13225
[5] Clayton, I. Beware of Spiritual Bypass: Why do we avoid rather than accept? Psychology Today (2011). https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-sobriety/201110/beware-spiritual-bypass
[6] Raab, D. What Is Spiritual Bypassing? John Welwood, who coined the term, died this week. Psychology Today (2019). https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201901/what-is-spiritual-bypassing
