A Simple Yet Effective Guide On Setting Boundaries
Coming from a people pleaser
Do you ever feel like your own personal bubble is being invaded constantly?
That might be a sign that you haven’t set boundaries.
You may have heard that term come up when chatting back and forth of what to do when you’re in a romantic partnership — but this is relevant in all aspects of your life.
Boundaries are meant to promote healthier relationships with people by setting rules to protect your emotional, spiritual, and physical space.
When you don’t prioritize setting and maintaining boundaries, you may feel overwhelmed and stressed — so it’s important to communicate what makes you uncomfortable so you can protect and support your own energy.
“Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how to use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.” — Anna Taylor
1. Communicate Your Feelings Effectively
The goal that you want to achieve is setting your boundaries without putting the blame on others.
I live with roommates, so I know what it’s like to have my personal space feel invaded. Even when I’m annoyed and agitated, I try my best to calm down on my own, so I don’t transfer that negative energy onto someone else.
Pointing the finger is not going to be effective.
Use “I” statements when setting boundaries. This will give a clear distinction on how you feel instead of how THEY make you feel.
Remember — they don’t know how much something bothers you unless you communicate that. Otherwise, the situation will continue and potentially get worse.
2. Secure Your Space
Everyone needs their safe space where they don't want to worry about anything. This could mean something different to everyone.
Maybe you don't have a healthy work-life balance because you like to respond to emails whenever you like.
Or maybe you never have time to yourself. Perhaps, you're a mother or you have roomates where you're never alone.
Ways you can protect your physical space:
- set work hours and stick to them
- put your devices on “Do Not Disturb” during your non work hours
- allow alone time for yourself and let others know so you aren't disturbed
- give yourself days off
- lock personal items away
3. Learn How To Say “No”
This is still a bit tricky for me — since I’m a people pleaser.
However, being a people pleaser can allow others to take advantage of you because you’re “too nice” or “agreeable”.
Be assertive with yourself as well as with others when it comes down to maintaining your boundaries.
When someone asks you to do anything you feel uncomfortable with, you need to have the power to say no. Don’t allow someone else to dangle your kindness in front of your face.
If someone asks why you said no, don’t feel obligated to give them any reason or explanation as to why you said so.
After all, you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your own emotional energy for someone else if it’s only going to do damage.
What good does that serve you?
Be Mindful Of Others
You aren’t the only person with boundaries, so be aware that the people you’re around have their own boundaries that they’re protecting.
Even if they’re unspoken for, you can look out for physical cues or body language to gauge their reactions.
Also, don’t be afraid to ask. You’re looking out for them, so don’t feel weird about approaching the topic.
Boundaries Are A Security Blanket
Even after setting your boundaries, you should be maintaining them by reinforcing and stressing your own feelings.
An important lesson that I learned is that it’s not your job to comfort anyone who feels hurt by your boundaries. If anyone feels threatened then that’s on them — not on you.
By setting boundaries, you’ll
- have more personal awareness
- have better self-esteem
- have more emotional stability
Remember, it’s not selfish to prioritize yourself. If you’re not focusing on yourself, how can you show up for anyone else?
“Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do.” — Rachel Wolchin
