ESSAY | SHADOW WORK | SELF-DISCOVERY

Aggressive Feedback Loops

Deep Shadows that still haunt me

Photo by Denys Argyriou on Unsplash

Time for more Shadow work via Diana C.’s journal — Chakra Shadow Work Journal: Know Thyself Heal Thyself — this time moving on to Aggression:

What triggers aggressiveness within you?(1)

For the most part, I am passive, relaxed, chilled. I don’t like conflict and I try my best to avoid situations that will trigger me into aggression. However, I do have a couple of pressure points and I am not too proud of them.

The easiest way to set me off is for me to be in close proximity to someone having an angry meltdown. This happens often with my spouse since he has anger issues. Let me preface to say, he rarely, if ever, directs his anger at me. Most of the time he is angry about people whom he feels has disrespected him or objects that don’t do what he thinks they should do (usually computers). He can go from zero to a hundred in a nanosecond and the more I try to calm him down, the angrier he becomes. If I do not try to calm him down, he also gets angrier. When he is in these moods, I am in a no-win situation with him. If I do not immediately shut myself off from him, we get caught in a feedback loop — he fuels the room with anger and I feed off of it, thus continuing to ignite the flames. Thankfully, I do not get caught in this loop often and shut myself off from him, but it only takes one false move on my part to get aggressive toward him if I am not careful.

The next trigger for me is less of an outward aggression and more of an internal one. I have been surrounded most of my life with people who have ADD or ADHD. I know that if there is something in their heads, they have to get it out ASAP or it is gone forever, even if it doesn‘t pertain to our current conversation (90% of the time it doesn’t). So what usually happens is I will be talking about a topic and my lovely AD(H)D friends will interrupt and ramble on for an extended period of time and maybe I will get to talk about whatever again, but usually I don’t. A few of these friends have recognized their rude behavior and do apologize, but most of them do not. Inwardly, I am left fuming because I feel like my words do not matter. I get riddled with negative self-talk and will usually clam up and not speak to anyone for hours or days. I know I know I know this about these friends. And I know which friends will do it. What I don’t yet understand is why I have so little patience with them and myself. Yeah, this is not a pretty look on me and it is a behavior that I am still working on to change.

© 2021 Lori Carlson. All Rights Reserved.

References:

  1. Cirmuz, Diana. Chakra Shadow Work Journal: Know Thyself Heal Thyself (p. 11). Kindle Edition.

Lori Carlson writes Poetry, Fiction, Articles, Creative Non-Fiction and Personal Essays. Most of her topics are centered around Relationships, Spirituality, Life Lessons, Mental Health, Nature, Loss, Death, and the LGBTQ+ community. Check out her personal Medium blog here.

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Writing Coach, Poet, Fiction Writer, Essayist, Artist, Dreamer | “Enlightenment is when a wave realizes it is the Ocean” ~Thich Nhat Hanh