All Anyone Ever Wants Is to Be Seen

Learning to trust love, let go of the past, and be held

Photo by Azrul Aziz on Unsplash

The fear of abandonment has tugged at my sleeve like a needy child for the past several years.

I want to believe the people who love me won’t ever leave me, but old layers of trauma will not let me forget the many times I’ve been left behind, dismissed, and ignored — mainly by my father. His idea of fatherly love differs from mine, and I spent much of my upbringing fighting for his attention.

If love is providing food, shelter, and clothes, then my dad loved me, and he loved me well. But if love is more — and I think it is — than his professed love was often in question. Because what I really wanted from my him, on top of these things, was to feel emotionally held and connected.

I wanted to feel seen.

That is still all I want, but something I’ve accepted I may never experience.

This reality has made me, throughout my lifetime, unconsciously seek romantic relationships with men who resemble traits similar to my father.

I was taught love is something you must earn and work hard for, and I quickly mastered the skills to endure all kinds of conditions in the name of love.