Beyond the Crowd
Understanding and Finding True Belonging
Have you ever been to a party with a dress code? Most likely, you have. Putting on something you don’t particularly like simply because it adheres to the code. Sometimes, you might even go so far as to buy a dress specifically for the occasion, even if it goes against your personal sense of style.
We humans dislike feeling excluded and judged.
The urge to conform, the desire to belong, is one of the numerous ways in which humans have evolved to differentiate themselves from their ancestors. There’s a natural instinct to flock together and mimic each other’s actions. Whether it’s following the latest fashion or acquiring the newest smartphone, trends often influence our decisions we make in our daily lives.
Conformity is a Powerful Force
As children we start with an ‘I dont care’ attitude about most things, we question everything, we rebel, we try to find our uniqueness amidst a sea of conformity. As we grow up, we are caught in a dilemma, now we want to be accepted. We try to fitting in, conforming to the norms of our family, society, and culture. We follow the boundaries and templates of the system we find ourselves in.
No one desires the empty feeling of being excluded from the tribe, and this drive is sufficient to compel us to modify our interests and adjust our personalities, often, presenting slightly different versions of ourselves.
Fitting in is NOT Belonging.
The human desire for connection with others, and a need to belong, is an innate aspect of our well-being. When this need isn’t fulfilled, we undergo psychological distress.
However we often mistake ‘fitting in’ for true ‘belonging’ — but they are not the same thing.
BRENE BROWN eloquently highlights “ Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”
Fitting in imposes constraints, it gives us a feeling of being in a box , while a sense of belonging gives us expansion. When we belong, we are valued for what we bring and for everything that makes us who we are.
Cultivate a Sense of Belonging
The emotional toll of staying in less then ideal environment, where we need to try hard to do what others are doing and be the way others are being, can be very high. We struggle with the divide between our authentic selves and the personas we adopt to gain acceptance from others. We may find ourselves experiencing hurt, resentment, inadequacy, and an increased sense of loneliness. Settling for effortful fitting in deprives us of our authenticity.
Speaking from my personal experience, I can say that being authentic isn’t as simple as it may seem. Personally, I’ve transitioned from a phase of” I don’t care ‘ to attempting to fit in, only to return to a state of ‘I don’t care.’
Despite the progress I’ve made, I still find myself hesitating to speak or act authentically at all times. On many occasion I feel concerned about how others might perceive me. While I aspire to remain true to myself and my values, the reality is that it’s not always straightforward.
Living in alignment with my personal truth has been quite a journey, and I am still a work in progress. However, I’m finding it increasingly easier to embrace my authentic self and express it fully as time goes on.
Why do we find it challenging to let our true selves shine brightly?
Why can’t we embracing our imperfections for all to see?
Why can’t we courageously and unapologetically be who we are?
While it may sound cliché in today’s world, the truth is: authenticity truly begins with loving and accepting oneself completely. It’s about being in love with who you are, embracing your scars and blemishes, and feeling comfortable in your own skin. It’s a form of radical self-love, allowing you to express yourself unapologetically, embrace everything, even the ones you don’t like.
Instead of living our lives in monochrome world of sameness, celebrate this glorious — and colourful — diverse individual, that you are.
American writer and activist, Rita Mae Brown wrote, “I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.”
