Thoughts and Poems

Cardinal Crossing

My aunt’s favourite bird

Photo by Aravind Reddy Tarugu on Unsplash

A life well lived, but gone too soon. In loving memory of my aunt Nyla, who dedicated her life to teaching. I never got myself to write about her, or the pain it felt and still does of her leaving us, so suddenly on the 26th of January 2022.

Today I passed by that ice-cream shop in the old neighbourhood, which stood the test of time, I saw you there with your beloved Dave, chatting and enjoying your favourite ice cream flavours. I could hear your laugh, I wanted to hug you, and tell you “how things are going”, they are not going…

As I stood there staring at the shop, looking past this time, I thought, if only time can be reversed and we realised that losing the people we love is just a nightmare. If only life was just fair. If only I could hug my aunt and kiss her on her Estee Lauder perfumed neck, a perfume that became her signature scent. If only I could keep teasing her about the pineapple upside down cake that she promised to bake me and never did. If only, I could share with her the jokes and hear her famous loud laugh echo across space. If only I could still receive those Good Morning Blessings from her that she never failed to send me. If only I could hear her call my nickname and see her pull my son’s and nephew’s hair and capture the lovely moments. If only I could see that beautiful smile which made my sadness go away. If only she knew that I cannot forget a single memory. I could even hear her mimick my baby babbles, squeals and giggles from across the corridors at my grandma’s, when I was a baby. Even that I remember so much. If only,,

My beautiful aunt, you were right when you told me, after we had to all endure one loss after the other in our small family, “when we lose someone we love, we change, something changes in us and we will never be the same”. And I never thought this will ever happen to me after losing you.

You were adored for every trait you had, every single thing you did was so special, so samaritan. You were admired by all your students who span the globe, they called you mom and you called them friend, you were famous for your loudest laugh, that was beautifully contagious and the biggest smile that made everyone fall in love with you. Your strongest hug, that we all waited for. You were a woman with a great mission, that you exuded with every single interaction, “to teach, to help, and to make everyone proud” and just like me, you were raised on our old scholar’s Quakers credo “I Serve”. And you did, each memorial tribute shared on your social page, each message was a touching story you had gifted to your friends, students and people who crossed path with you.

My precious aunt, my beautiful aunty (I know you just wanted everyone to call you by your name only, and when I wanted to annoy you, I would call you, “Aunty”). How could I ever forget the best time I spent with you? I long for those days. You taught me a lot ever since I was a child, you challenged me with the word “Read” and kept repeating how important it was to read and read and read. Together we danced, we sang, we recited poems, we ate ice cream to celebrate anything and everything, I remember that too well. I loved when we traveled together and you explained the history and culture of the places we visited, and most importantly we laughed so loud until we dropped.

Even with your busy schedule and your work, you were always there for everyone, and they were ever so grateful for the lovely memories you shared with them all.

A piece of my heart ached today.

Photo by Jody Confer on Unsplash

Collage by the author with some of the tributes and memories of our beloved teacher, aunt and friend.

For the love of poems, of writing, of books, for the love we will eternally have, for the bond that will never break. My heart ached today.

And I wish to tell you; I love you from across boundaries and beyond those dimensions that divide our two worlds, I love you with all my heart.

Some thoughts I always reflect upon:

we are just passers by…and what is a journey if not a welcome stride, what is a presence if not welcoming, what is a relationship if not fulfilling, what is life if obsolete? What is it all worth? [NH, 30.06.22]

Dust If You Must
by Rose Milligan

Dust if you must, but wouldn’t it be better
To paint a picture, or write a letter,
Bake a cake, or plant a seed;
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there’s not much time,
With rivers to swim, and mountains to climb;
Music to hear, and books to read;
Friends to cherish, and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world’s out there
With the sun in your eyes, and the wind in your hair;
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain,
This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it’s not kind.
And when you go (and go you must)
You, yourself, will make more dust.

You Don’t Just Lose Someone Once
By Donna Ashworth From ‘I wish I knew’

You lose them over and over,
sometimes many times a day.
When the loss, momentarily forgotten,
creeps up,
and attacks you from behind.
Fresh waves of grief as the realisation hits home,
they are gone.

Again.
You don’t just lose someone once,
you lose them every time you open your eyes to a new dawn,
and as you awaken,
so does your memory,
so does the jolting bolt of lightning that rips into your heart,
they are gone.

Again.
Losing someone is a journey,
not a one-off.
There is no end to the loss,
there is only a learned skill on how to stay afloat,
when it washes over.
Be kind to those who are sailing this stormy sea,
they have a journey ahead of them,
and a daily shock to the system each time they realise,
they are gone,

Again.

You don’t just lose someone once,
you lose them every day,
for a lifetime.

Oneness
by Thich Nhat Hanh

The moment I die,
I will try to come back to you
as quickly as possible.
I promise it will not take long.
Isn’t it true
I am already with you,
as I die each moment?
I come back to you
in every moment.

Just look,
feel my presence.
If you want to cry,
please cry.

And know
that I will cry with you.
The tears you shed
will heal us both.
Your tears are mine.
The earth I tread this morning
transcends history.
Spring and Winter are both present in the moment.
The young leaf and the dead leaf are really one.
My feet touch deathlessness,
and my feet are yours.

Walk with me now.
Let us enter the dimension of oneness
and see the cherry tree blossom in Winter.

Why should we talk about death?
I don’t need to die
to be back with you.

Published in Call Me by My True Names by Thich Nhat Hanh (1993)

I would like to share some of my aunt’s favourite songs that we sang along as we went on long drives, exploring new places and tasting the different seasons that were ever so abundant in her presence.