Coming Back Home
I was waiting for myself, with all I ever needed, all along
As I sat, deleting, items on my Amazon Wishlist — added for over 9 years,
I pondered how things have changed,
how I have changed.
When you put your desires on hold, for long somewhere,
whether you fulfill them eventually, or you don’t,
in both instances one thing is for sure
— they go away.
Clothes, beauty products, Electronics items — so many things I wanted!
So many things I just had to consume, otherwise the itch!
So much money I earned, yet less, to buy all the things I wanted every month!
The eye cream which will remove my dark circles,
The moisturizer I wanted after watching recommendations from 10 YouTube videos,
The black dress I just had to have because they said it is one of the 10 items you MUST have in your minimalist wardrobe,
The facewash with salicylic acid which will make sure I won’t have my occasional pimples!
The list is never ending!
I grew up in a small city, happy with what my parents got. When I would visit the big city every year at my maternal uncles’ place, I would look at the older girls, how they dressed, how beautiful their made-up faces looked, I had this wish building up inside me, layers down, I wanted to be pretty like that.
So, when I moved to the big city myself, taking up my first job, I had a shopping spree every month. Shoes, dresses, self-care products! 10 years of figuring out. Today I know, a mild soap is enough to wash my face. Sesame oil for face, body — that’s it. I cut my own hair, trim my own eyebrows (Corona made me learn) and I have never been happier. I have come back to using soap from Shower gels. From fancy shampoos to the one I have always used, or others- just easily available, I don’t really care as long as they remove dirt.
Thats what coming back home feels like.
You always had everything you needed. But you needed that exploring.
To know, and be at peace, with that which you always had.
Even in life, that’s what I have learnt.
To be just at peace with myself, I never needed much.
It was always just the little things that made my day.
I knew how to live in the moment.
Coming back home, I am doing just that.
Teaching myself.
To enjoy the sunlight.
To smile at kids.
To enjoy the cake.
To not do anything yet be happy.
It’s okay, even if I achieve nothing in life.
I exist.
I breathe.
I smile.
And that's just it.
I am happy.
I have accepted.
Nothing’s gonna stay.
I am okay, if I have to sleep on the roadside tomorrow.
I am okay, I will again figure out a way to earn a blanket.
Get a job and find myself a rented room.
Things will be okay again.
People will leave.
It will hurt me like crazy.
It will be hard to breathe for a year, or two,
Or maybe three.
But I will be okay again.
I will miss them, at times.
I will cry sometimes.
But I will be okay.
I will remind myself,
I will smile at the blue sky tomorrow.
in daylight again.
I will feel good again,
With gratefulness in my heart.
I will thank God, that he made me.
And gifted me such a beautiful life.
My fingers take over.
It’s not me anymore.
Whenever I write
Something bigger takes over.
And I just give in.
