Effective Communication For Our Youth
How are our children, especially our teens, expected to communicate effectively if we don’t know how, and don’t teach them?
Here’s a situation I have with my teenage daughter. Over the school holidays, my daughter had two of her friends over for 4 nights. This appeared on the surface to have gone well. They were in and out playing games, giggling, and being what I would expect of teenagers. There may have been a moment where one of the girls was feeling a bit off, but that seemed to resolve itself with no need for me to intervene. I think I’m pretty observant, and I’m usually aware that something is really off for someone through their subtle social cues. Apparently, this was not one of those times.
The girls were dropped home, and we continued on, assuming all was fine. Subsequently, two weeks later, one of her friends blocked her (with no explanation nor were there any accusations ). My daughter has never fallen out with any friend before, she felt baffled and shocked. In fact, she thought maybe this was just a prank, so she didn’t mention it to me until she was worried about her friend’s wellbeing. She is a kind-hearted person who values all her friendships very highly. I know I have raised someone who would not intentionally hurt anyone. However, I am aware of my personal biases, my teenager is not perfect. I know that teenagers (and humans in general) can be, at times, unpleasant. I am not ignorant of the fact that my daughter can be very unpleasant at times. So, I contacted her friend’s mother to get to the bottom of what happened, to try and open communication between the two (best) friends.
What I got was a barrage of accusations. My daughter was “horrid and treated her daughter as less than in every way over the whole visit, therefore she was cutting ties”. This was a shock! I know I witnessed them all having a great time before and after the seemingly minor hiccup (which I had put down to insufficient sleep). The child in question, never once asked to go home (she also has her own phone and could have contacted her parents directly if she wished to leave, but she didn’t). She didn’t appear upset or withdrawn and was as involved in most of the shenanigans as the other girls.
Obviously, something happened. Knowing my daughter, I would say most likely an insensitive comment taken as mean, but most importantly not intended to be so. Or the appearance of not being sensitive to how her friend was feeling. This I absolutely could understand. By asking my daughter, I know I am only getting her side, but she did seem genuinely confused by the whole thing. To me, the most balanced opinion to take on this is that insensitive things may have been said or done. The issue is that no opportunity was given for anyone to deal with what actually happened, and help find resolve. Instead, the choice made was to cut ties. I think this is extremely sad. However, I am also aware that friendships change, and sometimes you just want to move on. I get that, and I respect that.
What I don’t understand is the unwillingness to search for a resolution. A lack of desire to use these situations as a chance to foster healthy communication between our children. Even if, in the end, they do part ways. The Mother of this child is uninterested in resolution. Instead she is encouraging this extreme cutting of ties, over certainty in the truth of her childs apparant view of the situation, and subsequent blame game.
So how could this situation have been handled differently? Firstly it is not entirely our children’s fault that they don’t know how to communicate effectively. After all, that is our job as parents to demonstrate and facilitate these learning experiences for them. I know I want my children to grow up and be able to foster healthy, long-lasting relationships. So here are some ways we can, as parents, support this personal growth.
Don’t assume that everything your child says is gospel.
Unless you were there as an unbiased observer the entire time, you can’t know anything for sure (I was here and still do not know what happened). Instead, understand that we all like to place ourselves as the victim whenever possible. Especially when a situation has upset us, and our children are no different. We also, as parents, want to protect our children from feeling hurt and upset. Coddling and reinforcing our child’s wish to shift responsibility for their relationships away from themselves will not create resilient adults. Just mere snowflakes.
Stay curious. Jumping to conclusions because your child says someone was ‘mean’ to them doesn’t mean that actually happened.
It is just their perception of a situation and might be skewed, exaggerated, and mixed with big messy teenage emotions. Who doesn’t remember a time as a child/teenager where you fell out with a friend over something that now seems trivial? Or even still, as an adult? We should all be aware of how we can project meaning onto a situation or a person based on our own traumas and personal biases. Staying curious about what you hear from your child is not saying you don’t believe them. It’s asking for more information for a more detailed picture of the situation so they can see how they were nincompoops. Instead of their own narrow perception of any given situation.
Don’t allow your child to dismiss a person without some thought to their own behavior.
Or believe that another child is the entire problem, as this is rarely the case. Relationships take work to maintain health and reciprocity.
Check your own judgments — do you honestly believe that only the other child is horrid?
Is the other child someone your child has been close to for a reasonable amount of time? Someone you have witnessed as not being a horrid person? If we note that teenagers are rapidly changing physically and mentally because they actually are! That’s a fact! They are bound to make mistakes in social interaction with friends as they learn and grow. Holding empathy and compassion for both sides is a good start as a parent. Even if all you want to do is scoop your baby up and keep them away from all these horrid children who wish to do them harm i.e. not have them melt like a snowflake.
Give the other child and parents a chance to discuss the situation.
Mediate a conversation between the children if needed. Cutting ties without a proper discussion doesn’t allow emotional or social growth for our children, or us as adults. Sometimes these conversations are difficult, sometimes a resolution can not be found, but as the saying goes — “if you don’t try, how will you ever know?” When both families and children are reasonable human beings, a chance for a balanced conversation should always be an option.
Rules can be agreed upon before the conversation.
No name-calling, no shouting, no accusations. Centering the discussion around both children getting an opportunity to describe what happened in their view and how that made them feel. Instead of saying, “Rosie made a comment which was a dig at me because she thinks I’m less than her,” try “Rosie made a comment, it felt like it was a dig at me, it made me feel like she thinks I’m less than her.” The second one is taking some responsibility for their own feelings and what they made something mean, without blame. This gives the other child a chance to practice empathy rather than defensiveness in response. Showing the children how we can all see situations differently allows for clarity and compassion on both sides.
Provide other options to the children for how they could have handled the situation differently given a chance.
Providing a safe space where both children have a parent to support them is always an option. Keep your flawed parental opinions to yourself, saying things like —
- “Oh yes, sweetie, you are better off without her in your life.”
- “Well, I didn’t like her anyway, good riddance,”
Or any one of many shitty things that might pop into your mind, often triggered by your own hurts and traumas. Instead, encourage them to face these hard conversations and take responsibility for their own actions in the situation.
Such as —
- “Did you tell your friend that what they said hurt your feelings?”
- “Have you considered that your friend doesn’t know you are upset?”
- “Are you open to me supporting a conversation to see if this can be resolved?”
- “Do you absolutely know it to be true that they meant to upset you, or is it more true that you don’t really know, as you haven’t given them a chance to give their side?”.
All relationships require both parties to take personal responsibility for nourishing their relationships, whilst dealing with any issues as they arise. Of course, not everything can be resolved, yet we can always try.
As a parent, I aim to take responsibility for ensuring my child has as many opportunities as possible to learn to communicate clearly, with the ability to be emphathetic and compassionate towards others. Learning to resolve conflict and take responsibility for the part we play in any given situation promotes more resilience and happier social interactions for the future. Unfortunately, we have not been given this opportunity to resolve this specific situation. However, this has still brought some great learning opportunities for my daughter.
- My daughter has learned how easily a situation can be blown out of proportion.
- Sometimes, you don’t get a chance to speak to your side of things.
- Not every person is willing to tell you when they feel you have done something they don’t like.
- Sometimes, even when you are ready and wanting to resolve a conflict, the other person may not be.
- Not every situation has the outcome you desire.
