Feelings Are Not Gender-Based, Men Also Feel Unappreciated and Unheard
Lessons learned from a 33-year relationship
I opened Facebook the other day to read a post on my feed that troubled me. It was a piece that brushed a broad stroke. Actually, it seemed like a slap in the face, against men especially as it pertains to relationships and how they participate. As an Empath, I identify strongly with feelings, and this piece was all about that.
The Gist of the Post
- She often went to sleep feeling like crap because he disrespected her or said he would change but never did.
- She begged to be heard, only to be ignored.
- Her head told her she deserved better, but her heart just screamed for his.
- If she stopped venting, getting on him, trying to get him to see things her way, it’s not because he won.
The Call to Action is:
- Men, appreciate your woman, or she’ll walk away.
- Copy, paste, and share
Feelings Are Human-Based, not Gender-Based
Feeling disrespected and unheard isn’t JUST a woman thing. All of those points could easily be true when changed to read from the male perspective.
I do not condone abuse. My perspective is solely about how we act and interact in relationships daily while on this life journey. Both partners are learning despite and because of one another. Life is meant to be about becoming more aware, learning, and healing trauma, if that has occurred in a person’s past, and finally — growing. The blame game will only make us miserable, and it can be perceived as verbally and emotionally abusive.
‘What you focus on grows, what you think about expands, and what you dwell upon determines your destiny.’
— Robin S. Sharma
In my own life, there was a time I let everything and everyone get to me. The more I focused on how angry and resentful I felt, the more anger and resentment consumed my life. Over time, I learned to change my thoughts, which changed my feelings and my perspective. Result: Anger and resentment, pretty much gone or at least in check. Yeah, it’s work, but it works.
Who Knew: Triggers and Lessons Are Gifts
Ken is my husband of 29 years. He’s instrumental in ‘helping’ me be a better person. The closer anyone is to us, the bigger and more profoundly they can trigger us. I can’t speak for him, but I would think I’ve helped him be a better person also. We’ve both done our share of triggering, intentionally and unintentionally.
‘Triggers and gifts in the form of life lessons piss me off but they are necessary.’
People come to relationships with baggage in the form of past life experiences and limiting beliefs. These beliefs cloud our worldview and form our perspective, but it’s not necessarily the truth. A few people can view one incident, and each takes it in differently depending on their life filters.
I had lots to learn about communicating effectively. It’s not just what I say, but also HOW I say it. It’s also often what ISN’T said.
Welcome To My World
Remember too that not only are our brains different, but our energy and how we move through life are also different.
Ken is a bubbly guy who overflows with ideas and loves to bring people together. He sees the lighter side of life and gets weighed down and cranky when there’s too much heaviness. His is a magnetic energy, and he loves to be and see everyone happy. When he gets angry, it’s an explosion, and then poof — gone.
I, on the other hand, have a different type of energy. It’s a push forward, get ‘er done, determined movement that sometimes comes across as bossy. When I get angry, I tend to let it simmer and build up. I work at speaking up right away when something bugs me.
When I am excited about something, I get passionate, and my energy comes across as loud; it apparently hurts Ken’s ears. OUCH! Take that statement in for a moment and see how just this could have consequences when communicating with a person. Luckily, I know Ken WANTS to hear me, so I’ve devised a form of hand communication. Instead of blowing a gasket when he tells me to ‘calm down’ (and believe me, I used to)), I suggested he raise his hand to indicate I’m coming on too strong. Know what? I get it, and I alter a bit for him. I still get my message across, but it’s a softer delivery. Ken hears it and usually listens better.
Know and Read Your Audience
John Gray wrote the best-selling book “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.” You can laugh or roll your eyes, but this book helped explain a lot about developing different communication skills in the early years of my marriage. Here are a few tidbits.
- Women expect men to KNOW how they’re feeling.
- Men rarely say “I’m sorry” because to them, it means they have done something wrong, and they really want help and be appreciated.
- Women want to TALK about it. Men see it as a problem and want to FIX it.
I’ve noticed my husband thrives on being praised and acknowledged for what he does right. The other day, when he, unbeknownst to me, brought the patio cushions in so he could wash the covers, I didn’t freak out when I heard a smash. I stopped and quietly went downstairs as he was yelling, “Fuck, Fuck, Fuck.” He was doing something good, and shit happened. As a friend of mine eloquently puts it, there were no babies killed in the process. I got the dustbin and broom and helped him clean up. He was grateful, and so was I. He has sourced and bought the glass part and suggested it be a two-person project.
There are times both of us have felt we deserved an apology or recognition of how we felt hurt by something the other said. We have learned to speak up calmly. It’s a work in progress.
I’ve survived and am now thriving in a 30+ year relationship with my husband. It has not always been easy, but together we have, for the most part, learned, grown, and healed the wounded parts of ourselves. We trigger one another much less, although Ken’s inner ‘Dennis the Menace’ does still try to ‘poke the bear’ at times, I laugh now more than I used to. Damn right, it helps that I’m past PMS and peri-menopause. I believe post-menopause is even smoother for me because I stress much less now about stuff I have no control of. Meditation helps — a LOT.
Lessons that work for me:
- We’re often scared to be vulnerable for fear of being emotionally attacked or exposed.“Vulnerability = Courage.” I’m choosing courage.
- Ken’s ears and heart open wide when I speak to him from a loving place. Even when I’m angry about something, I work to come to the conversation with neutral energy so that we can talk, not argue.
- When I need his attention to talk about something important, I give him a time period, so he sees an end. I know, it’s for sure not during the baseball or hockey game. (Go L.A. Dodgers and Vancouver Canucks)
- I try to listen to Ken and ask questions so we can have a two-way dialogue.
- Women want to feel loved and heard. Men want to feel accepted and needed. Ken also wants his feet and back rubbed.
Many people are challenged when facing and sharing their feelings. Men and women have feelings that can run the gamut of wonderfully positive sensations, all the way down to paralyzing fear, and we can have both of those sensations within minutes.
I am in control of and responsible for my thoughts, feelings, and actions. How I interact with others is a direct reflection of my emotional health. I have no control over anything outside of me. I am learning to embrace being imperfectly perfect.
Sometimes There’s Just No One to Blame
Brene Brown is a great storyteller. Here she humorously explains how we often blame others (The story we tell ourselves) instead of discussing how their actions hurt our feelings.
My Personal Bathroom Mirror Post-it Notes:
- Stick to the issue, don’t bring in other topics
- Be conscious and take responsibility for my words, tone and actions.
- Warn Ken when I’m feeling grumpy and need some space.
- Compliment Ken just for being himself — the reasons why I love and appreciate him. (compliments have a boomerang effect, they really do come back)
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