Fighting A Disease Called Imposter Syndrome
Sharing some vulnerabilities
If you check out my Instagram, you’ll find a ton of funny videos of me — stuff that’s more embarrassing than comical, really.
Whenever something hilarious (or humiliating) gets captured, I make sure to share it before my friends or siblings get the chance. This way I have created an image of someone who is too thick-skinned, cool, or whatever you may call it. Someone who does not get embarrassed easily.
This tendency may have developed as a defense mechanism, a way to laugh at myself before others can.
But there’s a darker side to this habit: by putting myself down, I hoped to shield myself from others’ criticism. Somewhere along the way, this mindset morphed into a chronic case of imposter syndrome.
The Pain of Living with Imposter Syndrome
We have all heard stories, read articles and posts, and listened to podcasts of how imposter syndrome holds women back.
But no one ever really talks about the pain of living with it.
On paper, I know I’m competent. With an undergraduate degree in Electronics Engineering from Cochin University and a postgraduate degree from a top B-School, I’m not lacking in qualifications. But this nagging voice inside me insists otherwise, constantly whispering that I’m not smart enough whenever I hit a stumbling block.
This terrible disease (yes, I am calling it a disease) does not let me feel confident about myself. It sits in me and each time I face a stumbling block, it tells me that this happened “probably because you are not smart”.
I work hard.
I enjoy working hard.
I love the discipline of waking up early, following my morning routine and being early to work. I am often the last one to leave office too.
But each time I stumble, “it” tells me “You just don't have the talent for it”.
When my Boss tells me “You are good at this, you can do this” I look at him with skepticism but the moment he reprimands for something, I believe him a 100%
How Am I Treating This “Disease”?
Coming from a traditional Malayali home, I’m used to trying home remedies before seeking professional help.
So, before approaching a therapist, I’m attempting some self-care strategies (but I want to be super clear here that I will NOT hesitate to get help from a professional if I feel that my remedies are not being effective, say, in a months time from now).
I have been journaling for over seven plus years. Perhaps, that has helped me realize when I am slipping and need help. It is this one habit that has helped me recognize that I am suffering from a severe case of imposter’s syndrome.
Here’s the routine I am crafting to combat this issue:
- Wake up before 6 am: Currently, it’s 5:45 am, but I aim to dial it back to 5 am gradually.
- Meditate for 30 minutes: I’m not great at meditation, so I mix pranayama, mantra chanting, and sitting in silence.
- Walk for 30 minutes: Living in Bangalore, I’m lucky to have plenty of greenery. I listen to a podcast during my walk.
- Make tea and read: After my walk, I make tea and read a few pages of inspirational text.
- Journal: This helps me stay mindful and acknowledge the negative thoughts without forcing positivity. I treat these thoughts with love and understanding and suspend judgements.
- Mindfulness: I try to be supremely mindful (and its a struggle) during this time.
- Prayer: I am a believer. So on particularly bad days, I pray. That gives me a lot of comfort to keep moving ahead.
Previously, I would forgo exercise, writing, and reading in an attempt to squeeze in extra work during the mornings. This not only caused mental strain but also led to a decline in my physical fitness. Now, I’m gradually setting boundaries to reclaim my health.
The Progress Thus Far
The first two weeks were tough. The feeling of inadequacy was almost physical, and I had several low-grade anxiety attacks. But slowly, I’m seeing some light and hope.
It’s not a dramatic boost in self-confidence, but I’ve gained a bit of perspective. Work, stress, and the need for validation will always be there, but they’re just small parts of my life.
I’m learning to give myself permission to completely disconnect and enjoy moments like playing with my nieces or going book shopping without feeling guilty about unfinished work.
These are baby steps, and progress is slow, but I’ll keep sharing my journey. Maybe it will help someone else struggling along the same path.
