Member-only story
Forgiving What You Can’t Forget
When acceptance feels like self-betrayal
I have been feeling heavy lately. It’s as though after every inhale, I can’t fully feel the release of the exhale. I’m weary from the uncomfortable stuckness that I can’t pinpoint. As I stand in my kitchen, I begin to pray out loud.
“I don’t know what this heaviness is that I’m carrying, but I’m tired, and I want to know how to let it go.”
A few minutes later my phone dings with a text. I read it and burst into tears. Then I curse. The text is from someone who I need to forgive.
“This is what you want me to let go of?” I question, feeling irritated.
As I speak, I realize this grievance is something I never intended to forgive. A part of me had planned to hold onto and carry it forever.
I sit with the idea of forgiving this, and I don’t like how it feels.
I remember a letter I have from this person. I look for it and find it buried in the bottom of my nightstand drawer. I read it, and I cry, feeling the weight of the grief I thought I had already cried through.
There have been times in the past when I thought I had forgiven this, but I haven’t. I’ve learned that forgiveness isn’t a walk down a straight path. Forgiveness is peeling away the onion…
