Habit Of Darkness
Chapter 2.7 T Phangan
Sunrises and sunsets happen every day — they’re the very fellows who create this day. In such a common, everyday phenomenon, one can feel anticipation, can catch how silence converses with you about life every time.
This day is very special.
I’ll say goodbye to Phangan again, but I have a feeling it won’t be for long.
At my favorite morning spot, by the sea, stood a large dried-up tree, slightly leaning, as if about to fall. Usually, I would sit near it, casting my gaze upon its crown and trying to understand if it would fall today. This morning, I stood there looking at the tree, already feeling a taste of nostalgia.
My friend approached me and asked:
“Leaving today?”
“Yes” I replied, continuing to gaze at the majestic, dried-up tree.
“Planning to come back?” he asked, with a hint of hope.
“What do you think, will I return before this tree falls?” I replied with a slight smile.
“Hmm… “ and we both stared at the dried-up tree, as if waiting for it to answer.
I know that truly savoring this sweet fruit of experience can only come through separation. Such is my human nature. Sometimes this separation is measured in distance, and sometimes in years.
Even writing about this experience, which Phangan has gifted me, makes this experience fuller, richer and deeper. It has given me much more than I could ever put into words.
Looking back, I see the path I’ve traveled, and I can’t believe I came from there. There are still corners I haven’t just peeked into, but that’s okay. Phangan showed me what I lost when I was still a little girl. It’s the feeling that the world is a safe place.
I understand that nowadays this may seem funny. Through many trials, I have learned how to enter the darkness, but I don’t know how to live a simple, happy life. My cortisol-driven body has grown accustomed to a background feeling of anxiety and doesn’t notice it anymore, but here… here the poles have shifted. My inner beast is looking around, expecting an unpleasant surprise. I remember such a phrase:
“A soul raised by pain is embarrassed by happiness.”
But you know what? Why not?! Why not taste this, this original taste given to you at birth… or perhaps even before that.
What if it becomes true to the extent that I allow it to be true?
I know the answer to this question already. But knowing and living the experience, in the body, seeing it with these eyes — there’s a paradoxical difference.
Sometimes it seems to me that life is a constant answer to an unasked question.
Either way, my time on Phangan has come to an end. Somewhere inside me, there were still conflicting hopes. I told myself: all I can do is float on the arms of life and I feel the new course she wants to take me on. Let it be.
I humbly packed my backpack, and my friend drove me to the pier. We hugged, looked into each other’s eyes, and she said:
“I feel like you’re not leaving for long.”
“We’ll see” I replied, squinting a little, as if afraid to give my consent.
I’ve forgotten how to push space. The river of life always knows the best path, one that lies beyond the knowledge I possess.
I got into the boat. There was no sadness in me, but I felt uneasy. I thought about whether there was enough strength in me right now to face what awaits me in Bali. As I watched the receding shores of my paradise.
Lines from a song came to my mind, conveying what I’m taking with me.
“Nothing in the world belongs to me, but my love is mine all mine all mine”
Ahead awaits a night’s stay in Samui, which I found through Couchsurfing. After that Bangkok and returning to Bali, where my story was for 2,5 years.
Well, Wonderland, I’m open. Show me your magic.
