Helping Others Starts With Yourself
Wednesday prompt — An overwhelming breakdown leading to an undeniable breakthrough.
Wednesday prompt — Write about the ways in which a recent overwhelming breakdown proved to be an undeniable breakthrough.
Sometimes, it feels unhealthily good to be in a negative thinking loop. You may still have puffy eyes from crying, a growing headache right in the middle of your forehead; yet you hit the play button to listen to another sad song because you sort of like this situation, after all. Or, more exactly, you don’t stand the thought of doing something else.
Two years ago, I went through this vicious circle day in and day out for several months, and the feeling of guilt that came along for being in this situation made it worse. After ending a toxic relationship, I felt like I hit rock bottom. I usually don’t like using this word to describe it—toxic—, because I consider it a BIG word and I always end up thinking I am exaggerating. But sometimes, using the right words actually help. It helps us realize when something was wrong and what needs to be changed.
Losing My Identity?
My family and friends describe me as a joyous and active person. “I knew you wouldn’t stay long without a new project in mind”, they tell me every now and then. I love having new experiences, learning, and trying to surpass myself. So much that, more often than not, I end up with an overloaded agenda and endless to-do lists to keep up with my goals. “You can’t do everything”, my dad often tells me. But still, I like to try.
Yet during this difficult period, it didn't seem I was myself anymore. I wasn’t the joyous and optimist woman I used to be. I felt empty, inactive, passive. After ending an invasive, manipulative relationship with someone constantly playing the victim, I was worried my identity had been taken away from me. And I hated him for that.
The thought of my identity being consumed and having lost my joie de vivre made me sick. I was worried I would never go back to who I was. As days went by, I was every day more convinced of it. Had I changed forever?
Personal Breakthrough
In a way, I had changed. This relationship changed me, and so did this breakdown. As with all experiences we have throughout our lives, they participate in making us who we are. But what I didn’t know at the time was that I hadn’t lost my identity. On the contrary, it had become stronger. But, sometimes, a rest from the overload of emotionally demanding experiences is necessary.
“Identity is a prison you can never escape, but the way to redeem your past is not to run from it, but to try to understand it, and use it as a foundation to grow.” — Jay Z
Lately, I went through the daily journaling of that time. In the beginning, it was filled with negativity, and there is a long period in which I didn’t write a single word. Yet around one year after the end of this relationship, my vision of it had changed. Here is an extract from June 2020:
“At first, it made me feel like I had lost my self-confidence. I hit rock bottom and was convinced it had changed me completely, and not in a good way. But now, I can finally affirm that it made me stronger in many ways. […]
Today, I can say that this relationship was another experience. It may have been difficult to get out of it, and I may have had hard times overcoming it, but I am damn proud of the stronger person I have become ‘thanks to it’.
Today, I want to FIGHT for myself, for who I am. I can’t let anyone make me silent, even less extinguish my passion. I am proud of who I have become. And I am so, so grateful for the family and friends I have. I love them deeply. But I also love myself, and I need to tell that to myself more often.”
Let’s never let anyone make us doubt of ourselves, of our identity. No one has the right to do so, except for ourselves. In fact, any negative influence should be left out from our lives, for it is not worth the emotional distress.
Standing Up
I kept referring to this experience for some time in my journaling thoughts. As a matter of fact, afew months later, I came to another conclusion:
“It has always been easy for me to stand up for my family and friends when they needed it. I could never support the thought of anyone hurting them in any way. But, on the contrary, standing up for myself always seemed hard. I guess it didn’t matter that much to me, maybe I didn’t feel I was worth fighting for. […]
Until now. I have done so much over the years, I mean, I have been here all along, in the good times but also in the bad ones. Yet I have neglected myself and thought many times that I was not worth it. I was always worried to say something stupid, afraid of what other people may think. But the truth is, I had everything wrong. I am the only one whose personal opinion I should be considering when it comes to me. […]
Now, I am ready to FIGHT for myself. To fight for who I am, for what I believe in. I won’t allow anyone to disrespect me, humiliate me, silence me. I will stand by myself before anything. Of course, there will be days when it will be hard. But how can we be so harsh on ourselves, when we tell ourselves things we wouldn’t even tell the people we don’t like?”
I read the first sentences several times.
“It has always been easy for me to stand up for my family and friends when they needed it. […] But, on the contrary, standing up for myself always seemed hard.”
I always made it a priority to protect the people I love and to try to have a positive impact. Standing up for those I love, but also against injustice, discrimination and lack of respect. But I realized I couldn’t mean to stand up for others if I wasn’t capable of doing it for myself first.
I realized that, in order to create an impact, I needed to be able to believe in myself.
I realized that, in order to be helpful to others, connect deeper, you first need to cherish yourself and get to know yourself better.
Thank you, Diana C., for this week’s prompts. Once again, they required a great deal of self-reflection —at least for me—, and it feels good.
