How Otto von Bismarck‘s Story Helps my Insomnia Recovery
Who is the one to protect you
Insomnia is a sleep disorder that means you have a hard time falling asleep or you can’t sleep through the night. As we suffer from this problem, the night becomes our biggest nightmare, leaving us in the void of darkness.
Insomnia partially attribute to genes. My mom and her two brothers have insomnia. She has been taking sleeping pills for over twenty years since knowing the tenant hung himself in the bathroom. And her oldest brother was hospitalized then had insomnia after he saw his withered orchid and the other older brother can’t stop thinking about his work so he can’t sleep.
They all need prescriptions to sleep. And I’m the next one.
Firstly, I had to put more efforts into falling asleep because I had a feeling of smothering in my heart, I say my heart because I did not dwell on anything. I struggled to wake up at the right time in the morning to finish a big breakfast. This stemmed from my peculiar relationship with food. And secondly, the desire for being a good daughter overwhelmed me.
Normally I sleep through 10 pm-6 pm, if I am in GMT-8 time zone, I sleep through 8 pm-3 am. I’m fine with that routine. And due to the pandemic, I flew home, and the thing has changed. The more I try to set the time, the goal seems more unattainable.
I recalled once on a flight, the girl sitting next to me talked about her insomnia, doctor told her that the more you force yourself to sleep, the more likely you will fail. And I got almost the same saying from the doctor too. I found if you want to control, you will be out of control.
I’ve been trying to see different doctors and read books about insomnia. Many tips like drinking milk, avoiding your phone, etc before bedtime. But nothing works for me. Only counting sheep helps a little because it’s like meditating with numbers.
And one day it occurred to me that before I went to Germany, I learned about their culture and history. I remember an anecdote about Otto von Bismarck‘s sleeplessness.
Bismarck was a prime minister of Prussia in 19th century. He had been suffering from some sleeping problem until he met his personal physician Ernst Schweninger. He was a naturopath, who took a different approach to cure illness instead of giving a typical prescription.
The treatment he gave Bismarck is sitting by his bed when he was trying to sleep. And when Bismarck woke up, Schweninger still sit by his bed. To Bismarck’s surprise, he slept through the whole night. Ever since that, Bismarck kept Schweninger as his physician for the rest of his life.
Why did this method work? Because we need to feel safe and secure for a good sleep. The existence of Schweninger aided Bismarck’s mind.
It’s not hard to imagine as a prime minister, how many things he should be concerned about in a day, let alone he had to be on his guard at any moment. In this case, you would push your mind to work extremely hard for you, non-stop.
Let’s put it this way, what would happen if you were the boss and asked your employees to work for you for several days without taking a rest? They would go on strike. That’s how sleep system malfunction develops. Our mind overworks for making us feel protected.
Therefore, if there is someone or something that can protect you rather than let your mind do this work, your mind can take a break. This is the moment you can fall asleep.
And the thoughts running through your head at night or the unaware feelings you suppressed are all based on hypothetic death-threatening scenarios. Although Bismarck’s situation could be literally death-threatening, death doesn’t just mean the human body can no longer function.
You also feel doomed if you can’t meet the deadline tomorrow. Like the above-mentioned cases, scared of ghosts, withered orchard, unfinished work, and can’t finish breakfast at home, are all the symbols of death threats.
You might feel some scenario seems major and some just minor but since everyone looks different, so do their mind. Every unique mind is sensitive to a different thing. Insomnia is a symptom of mental illness. And mental health is like an allergy. If you are allergic to gluten, you need to stay away from it for the sake of protecting yourself from harmful substances.
Consequently, I knew the first thing I had to do is to change the environment so that I can get the breakfast thing out of my mind. The second night when I was in my own place, I fell right into sleep as I lay in bed.
This happened for the first time after having a hard time falling asleep for six months. Because I didn’t have to think about tomorrow morning anymore. Then my normal routine was back and I can have the breakfast my body prefers. No struggle.
But when Christmas time is near, sleep problems came again. Rather than have a long sleep latency, I stayed wide awake all night until sunlight shone through my window. Tomorrow it feels like half of my soul is gone, walking as if I am a living zombie. I then had to take six pills to get a night of sleep.
Since Bismarck’s story came to my mind. I try to picture my grandparents sitting by the bed, staying with me like I go back in time. Back when I was a kid, I always grabbed my doll and slept next to my grandma. I know my grandparents want the best for me and support me.
As I immersed am in these feelings, nothing can haunt me. I feel warm. Their existence is like telling me it’s okay, you are allowed to fall asleep, we will take care of the rest of that. It reduced sleep latency as long as I picture them and feel them well. Also, I got a fluffy puppy toy next to my pillow. It soothes my mind as well.
From six pills, I now only need one sleeping pill to sleep instead of getting addicted. This is not happening overnight. I gradually reduce the dosage and it takes time to heal.
To some extent, insomnia is rooted in genes yet the symptom can not only be alleviated by medication but also by our mental shelter. We might not be like Bismarck to have Schweninger to be around but it’s not impossible to create a space to make ourselves feel protected and safe so as to sleep soundly.
