How to Enter Main Character Mode
Intense exercises to slap you back on track to greatness
Fallen. You can see the sky above and the world outside. But how to climb out? No one is coming to save you. That’s fine though because you will save yourself. Source: ArtListLife has been ‘happening to you’ for a while now, has it not?
You fall off your bike. You get fired from your dream job. Maybe your parents were never around. Someone you love gets diagnosed with cancer. You watch all your friends surpass you in their careers.
I would add that a bird defecates on your head 10 minutes before an interview but somehow our meaning-making monkey minds would attribute that to luck.
And you are left feeling like a poor little me, that the universe is just tormenting.
Welcome to victimhood consciousness; the lowest form of consciousness of which we are all guilty, from time to time.
Incoming trigger alert baby…
The idea that we are responsible for ourselves can either be deeply empowering or make us shrink. Often, so much energy is invested in seeing ourselves as this victim that life is throwing around, that anyone who does not accept that reality becomes the ‘enemy’. They are threatening part of our identity invested in these stories of self.
However, before you get angry at me for my lack of empathy, I want to tell you that most (not all) of those things above happened to me personally.
This article will slap you firmly with love into a state of empowerment and self-responsibility.
Examples of negative victimhood stories:
Sound like anyone you know personally?
- I am unsuccessful in my career because I went to a poor school
- I have bad relationships with men because my father left as a child
- If Y had not happened to me, I would have X
- I have been unhappy for years because person Z did Y to me
But just before I deconstruct any of this, let’s break down how suffering works…
What is suffering really?
Suffering is simply about how much resistance we have to the present moment. Welcome to Buddhism 101. I’m saying nothing new here.
The more strongly we resist reality or wish it were different, the more we suffer. We suffer because we have become attached to a ‘desired reality’ of how we want things to be. And when the world reflects something different, that attachment causes deep emotional pain.
The more we resist or don’t want to accept reality, the greater the suffering. There are levels to how much we resist.
Low suffering: When a friend is 30 minutes late without notice. This creates frustration but not panic.
Medium suffering: We are late to a very important meeting but are stuck in traffic. Moderate resistance — feeling that the world is punishing you unfairly, as traffic was unanticipated and you got ready on time.
High suffering: You lose a loved one unexpectedly. ‘Why did this have to happen to me?’ ‘What did I do to deserve this?’ ‘I hate life.’
These are all arbitrary but go to show that the more we resist reality and the ‘way things are’, the more that we suffer. In each option, I have slowly increased the level of attachment we have to a possible future or the way things ‘should be’. The stronger the attachment, the harder it is to accept that this is the way that things are.
Pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice.
In the victimhood mentality, we find it hard to accept that this is the way the world is. So we create enemies and we make people good and bad. The world is cruel for taking away our loved ones. The Uber driver that’s late deserves to lose his licence.
In this state, we struggle to accept that the world may be entirely objective; bad things happen to all of us.
Everyone loses everyone in the end.
Many experience betrayals and losses. We need a ‘bad guy’ to be angry at and blame.
Now, this isn’t to say that the pain is not real. These things hurt. And it is not to say that the actions of others do not cause us pain. They do. People and events have hurt us. But this is the distinction between pain and suffering.
Pain is real — it is physical and is unavoidable. Suffering is a choice. It is replaying that pain again and again in our minds. It is deepening our resentments and sadnesses. It is blaming others or staying in a state of woe. It is telling yourself that there is little you can do to improve your life.
A traumatic event might have happened to you 10 years ago; that pain was deep and unavoidable. But carrying that suffering with you today is the choice.
It was not your fault. But it is your responsibility.
It is your responsibility, to transcend that pain, to explore it to its depths. To find peace within yourself and live a fulfilling life. You are capable of this.
Exercises to break out of victimhood
The world is not out to get you. Suffering is universal. There is no vendetta against you. Nothing is personal. I get my clients to repeat ‘I’m not special’. Because you are not. Neither am I. You are not unique in what you are going through. There are probably tens of thousands of people right now experiencing the same thing and feeling as lost as you are. We are all in this together. It is part of being human.
Exercise 1:
Imagine being arm-in-arm with others who have gone through exactly what you have gone through — who share your pain. Imagine the weight they are carrying alongside you.
Imagine that shortly, many of them will be living incredible lives and have healed from this pain, that currently feels insurmountable. The same is possible for you.
You are never alone. Things can get better. You can take charge. You recognise that no one is going to come to save you. So you decide that you are going to save yourself.
I am not responsible for falling into the mud. But I am responsible for staying here. And I choose to leave it now.
Just decide. You don’t need a perfect plan or heal instantly but you can decide that you love yourself and as an act of love, that you are going to do what it takes to get out of the mud and into the light. The more power you give to others in why you are in the mud, the more power you take away from yourself.
The difference between being a victim and victimhood
Sometimes, some people do things that hurt others. People who get assaulted are certainly victims. When your co-founder steals your company, you are a victim. But being ruled by that pain, living in that suffering for years and not working through it — that is a choice and this is what I mean by a victimhood mentality.
Remember that whatever has happened, someone before you has experienced the same. And many of them stepped into their power and took responsibility for their lives. They turned the suffering they thought would cripple them forever into the stepping stone for their greatest joys.
How to step into your power right now
What is the story that you are telling yourself that is creating your suffering? Write it down. Write down the fear(s) behind it.
Example 1: ‘I’m too old now to find the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.’
Example 2: ‘I’ve been in this job for years and now I will never find a career I enjoy.’
Now flip it and take responsibility
Example 1: Finding a partner is important to me. And I commit to working on myself and taking the necessary steps to find that person, regardless of my age.
Example 2: I hadn’t taken the time to develop my talents before but I am willing and ready to take the time to now. And I take responsibility for finding a career I love, regardless of how long it takes. I trust myself.
An affirmation I leave you with
Stay with me here and speak these words out loud, even if just a whisper. And just watch how you feel inside. Fill in the blanks for X and Y.
‘I alone am responsible for my happiness. I take full responsibility for my life. And I choose to invite more Y in my life and I commit to overcoming X in my life. I reject that I will suffer indefinitely because of something external that happened to me. I take back my power. I will save me. I will o make decisions that make me more fulfilled.
I am the main character of my story.’
Closing thoughts
When you do this, you will learn just how powerful you are.
Friendships and opportunities will come in abundance. Fears will leave through the backdoor. And you will move to the next level of consciousness: ‘Life happens for me’.
That’s not the end. Just Level 2 of 4.
Let me know what experiences and stories you will be rewiring with this exercise.
