Hunger For Myself
Chapter 3.6 I. Bali
I noticed this person on social media when I still lived in Israel. One nice guy living in Bali talked about the benefits of fasting. Intuitively, I wanted to experience this journey with his guidance. As soon as I arrived in Ubud, he opened an online fasting group.
This was the perfect time to do it.
I’ve done this before by myself, but never three days in a row. I got everything I needed and prepared for a few days, gradually reducing my food intake and then switching to juices. Then three days without food and water.
I was determined.
The first couple of days were fine. I had a lot of energy, walked a lot and the swelling in my body disappeared. Then came the intense headaches, and on the last night, I couldn’t sleep due to leg pain. I noticed how many different thoughts my mind was shedding. The guide wisely led me through the process, making me think during moments of mental weakness.
Perhaps this was one of the first moments when my mind truly turned its attention to itself.
When I was a child, I changed schools almost every year. These were life circumstances that I could not influence. Each year brought a new environment, new teachers, new conditions of survival. Each time I felt alienated and friendless. I couldn’t explain why this happened. Only one conclusion has taken root in me: there is some kind of flaw in me. Something is wrong with me.
When this feeling translated into thought, it took me back to my childhood memories.
I was about five years old. I had always found it hard to sit still, especially now that we had moved from the far north to the south of Russia. Large fruit trees grew here, tall fragrant grass covered the fields, and the air was filled with floral aromas. I played with different animals and ate anything that looked edible from the local gardens.
In the spring my sister and her son, my peer, came to visit us. I always had my own adventures, in which my nephew sometimes participated. We were having a good time until something went wrong. If something went wrong, he immediately ran to his parents and complained about me, revealing my secrets. This happened more than once.
This picture is forever etched in the memory of a five-year-old girl.
He is embraced by my sister, and together with my mom, they yelled at me from both sides. They explained to me clearly how bad I was and how I did everything wrong. I don’t remember what I did wrong.
Maybe at that time I still didn’t understand what guilt was.
My heart felt heavy. The feelings I experienced were not childish at all. I looked at my nephew and couldn’t understand why. “Why did he betray me every time?”
The adults continued to fiercely teach me about life, but I could no longer grasp what they were saying. My nephew sat on his mother’s lap and watched what I would do. I kept staring at him as everything around me began to blur from tears. A moment later I stood up and rushed towards him. I clenched my fists and hit him! The next moment, I was already running out of the room, faster than anyone could catch me. I hid in the gardens all evening, trying to avoid punishment.
This was my first and last time I intentionally hit a person.
Many new questions illuminated the space. It was as if my prism had thinned in places and light began to break through. I felt a shift in my consciousness. “Fractal of the mind in the projection of itself” — I would call this shift.
Like that day, the five-year-old girl ran away and continues to run from the punishment for who she is. Just being yourself is covered in fear of punishment. I still see through the eyes of that girl. I still believe in what she believed.
The experience of fasting was uncomfortable but valuable. This whole story made me think what we really know about the filter through which we reproduce our reality. It wasn’t hard for me to refrain from food during that time, perhaps because the hunger for myself was stronger.
Wonderland, feed me only what I need.
