I Accept My Hermithood
Chapter 3.5 I.Bali
The New Year has passed. For me, it marked a turning point of new life energy. After several failed attempts to continue as before, I came to understand the need to build a new foundation in this life.
I maintained an optimistic attitude. My inner world, in the form of my guides, supported me in dreams and meditations. I carefully averted my gaze from the shadow lurking in the corners of my mind. There, thoughts swirled about not feeling like Bali was my home yet. Perhaps I had forgotten what the feeling of home even feels like?
Thoughts in the darkness take any form, often the one you’re familiar with from your catastrophic scenarios. I dimmed the light for those thoughts and shyly whispered as I departed, “not today.”
Outside, Bali awaited me, and I wanted to taste it. I visited local mountains and a magical waterfall with Shiva lingams. I tried durian, a fruit that grows in Asia. This fruit has a distinctive smell, and not everyone can eat it. My first attempt to enjoy it failed. They say you need three tries to understand and love the taste of this fruit.
Maybe I haven’t yet understood the taste of Bali?
I felt cramped in Amed, so it was time to move on. January had barely begun, and I was packing my things again. The next destination was Ubud. I had been there several times while living in Amed. I managed to participate in a performance and meet different people living there. These were my rare flashes of socializing. Honestly, it didn’t bring me deep satisfaction. I quietly enjoyed my time alone.
Upon arriving in Ubud, I wanted to delve deeper into myself. I practiced different techniques every day and was interested in everything I could mentally digest. I felt like I was about to reach the other side, in some new version of life, a new version of me. It felt like I was late for the train to the life of my dreams.
The mentality here was different. People were more relaxed and believed in their impulses and dreams. I watched all of this with wide-open eyes and asked myself: “Could it really be like this?”
The last two places I lived were nothing like Bali. Here, people were like children. They danced, played, were filled with enthusiasm, tried something new. Conversations were only about positivity and spirituality, or about high vibrations versus low ones. I felt heavy in all this lightness.
I wanted to delve deeper into practices, to delve deeper into knowledge. It was very interesting to explore this new sensitivity. The hermit stage completely took over me. I tried to force myself to be more outgoing and social, but I realized I was tired of fighting with myself. I don’t know if my life still belongs to me or if it was mine.
What or whom am I really fighting against? Another version of what I supposedly know and labeled right or wrong.
I decided to go on a three-day full fast and see what happens.
Wonderland, I give up.
