I am Fine
“I am fine”, this is a lie that I said to everyone, included myself. I was not fine and I wanted to cry. I held the tears and I kept saying “I am fine”. I was not allowing myself to mourn. I didn’t let myself yell that I didn’t want to continue.
“I am fine”, I said to the mirror as if my problems will vanish with that phrase. The reality is that I am not fine. I am struggling with the emotions that I tried to bury. I tried to hide that I don’t want to knit anymore or that I feel hungry, but I don’t want to eat.
I am not fine, and I need to stop telling the lie to myself. I know some things are hurting me and those are the monsters that I need to understand.
These are shadows roaming in my room and I need to stop ignoring them and make agreements with them.
Why do I want to stop knitting? Is it because I am not selling what I am doing? I tell myself that it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t sell. The things that I can do are going to be gifts created from the deep of my heart.
Why do you want to stop eating? Is it because you feel that you don’t deserve that slice of cake? It is fine to feel hunger, but not to the point to starve myself. If I want to eat a midday snack is also fine. No one can decide what I can eat or not. This is my body and we have one life to enjoy those small pleasures.
I understand that it is fine to say that I am crumbling and I am having a bad day. I let myself be free of the image of perfection. I can tell you that I am not fine, and I need time to understand what is jumping in my head.
