I Can’t Escape It
So I need to learn to handle it
Tomorrow is a big day for me. It’s my last day in the eating disorder Intensive Outpatient Program! After seven months I am stepping down to outpatient care. I am getting 12 hours of my week back to spend however I please. And that, I felt, was a reason to celebrate. What do people do to celebrate?
Have cake of course.
So that’s exactly what I did! I wanted to get a cake from a specific baker for my birthday but I didn’t feel I could. That I was deserving enough for it. And I would have been terrified to eat it. It only felt right to get it now. I brought it to a ladies’ small group to share and couldn’t help but notice the talk sparked by this cake…
Well I didn’t have dinner so I guess I can eat this.
It’s crazy to think I have problems with my weight when I won’t eat so many things.
Subway cookies are so good but have so many calories.
The conversation just continued to circle around all of the perceived negatives about food. Food! Food that our bodies need to complete basic human functions. I just couldn’t believe how these comments were so easily rolling off of everyone’s tongues, without second thought as to what they implied. It’s second nature to degrade one of the very things that gives us life.
No wonder I struggle to have a good relationship with food and my body.
I kept silent as the talk proceeded. I hadn’t told them what I was celebrating, and now did not feel like the time to do it. I had to tune out all of the voices flooding in as I continued to eat my cake. What was suppose to be a celebration had quickly become a war zone where I was the only one in the fight.
After I have had some time to digest what occurred (both physically and mentally) I’m finding myself questioning how I handle this. How I am going to continue to handle these situations because they seem to be everywhere? At what point do I take a risk and actually address this with people? How do I not let eating disorder barge in every time these triggering judgements come up?
While I have completed a lot of treatment, the hard work is still ahead of me. This is where I have to implement what I have learned in order to stay the course. This is where I learn to live.
