If it is Obvious, Why do I Find it Difficult?
Meditations on my failures and fears
It’s fascinating that for the number of years we’ve roamed the earth, we’ve learnt so much, but some things that puzzled our ancestors still puzzle us today. One of such mysteries is navigating life.
We’ve gained so much knowledge on how to navigate this journey we call life. But knowing is not enough. There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.
I found myself in situations where the pathway forward was clear but for some reason, undertaking the journey seemed difficult. So, I went down a rabbit hole of trying to figure out my failures, fears and the thought process that accompanies them.
Intellectualising advice.
For as long as I have been alive, I have been learning. My father drilled into me the importance of learning and devoted his life to ensuring that I got educated. Learning enables us to think logically and make sound decisions. But few people realise how being intelligent and logical in thinking can work against you at times.
For instance, I recall one of the worst times in my life. I used to sleep for about 6 hours because of the overwhelmingly large amounts of work I had to complete before a deadline. I was having headaches all the time and felt exhausted all day.
My well-meaning colleague asked me to try sleeping earlier and waking up earlier so that I could have enough mental energy throughout the following day.
I, by instinct, trashed his suggestion by explaining to him how my circadian rhythm predisposes me to focus in the late-night hours and how my focus is always low in the morning. It doesn’t matter whether that is true, this intellectualisation essentially made my ego happy and my poor colleague had no more advice to offer me.
Most advice has nuance and requires tailoring to individuals but intellectualising it, often shelters the ego at the cost of useful insight.
My colleague just wanted to help me to have energy during exhausting hours and increase my focus. I could have explored his idea more rather than explaining it away as useless.
Getting stuck in the intellectual realm has made me immune to taking action on advice. Each insight becomes a twig on my intellectual tree that bears no fruit.
Having more knowledge has sometimes armed me with reasons to strike down useful information by impulse without even thinking about it. This occurs when we usually don’t want to assimilate and accommodate new information that could contradict our pre-existing knowledge structures and mental models.
A lesson to myself; listen to advice, ruminate over it and try to tailor it to fit your situation before casting it away as useless.
Not defining goals.
It is age-old wisdom that goals provide direction in life. When we have a goal, we perceive each day’s events as either steps towards the goal or obstacles to overcome. Goals even affect our brain chemistry, increasing positive emotions when we make progress.
But why do some people, like myself, struggle to set proper goals?
Well, goal setting defines a target to aim at. This means well-defined goals not only clearly outline conditions for success but also failure.
For some people like me, this highlights the narrow path to success and the wide road to failure, which breeds anxiety. The probability of failing seems large as opposed to that of succeeding.
I often default to making goals as vague and flexible as possible to avoid this stress. This is my internal instinct to make the surface area of the target as wide as possible; to make the conditions for failure as vague and as small as possible.
Many people do this in their lives more than they would admit. For example, the “I’ll eat healthier” goal does not create clear conditions for eating healthier. It creates an arbitrary meaning of eating healthier and thus allows one to exert minimal effort and convince oneself they’ve made progress.
People are quick to point out the absurdity and ineffectiveness of vague goals but they overlook one of the reasons why people create them in the first place. Because we are our worst critics, we are quick to notice deviations from the goal we are aiming at and thus mercilessly critique ourselves.
If goals are important, how does a person whose identity is based on setting vague goals learn and benefit from setting better goals?
I’ve painstakingly learned to set small, easily achievable goals as stepping stones. Crawling before walking prevents frustration and self-judgement and each success builds confidence to set bolder, more specific goals over time.
The comfort of what is known.
“Success and growth lie outside our comfort zone” we are told. Many people understand this to be accurate but why do many find it difficult to leave their comfort zone?
A comfort zone is usually defined as a psychological state in which one perceives control of their environment and has low levels of anxiety and stress. This formulation seemingly implies a zone of weakness, laziness, self-indulgence and free of pain.
My comfort zone has been of hardship, pain, and regret because, over time, I psychologically adapted to the hardship and pain. It became a new normal. Immunity to suffering creates a new comfort zone, however dysfunctional.
I call the comfort zone “known territory” — because its certainty reduces anxiety even if the “normal” is suffering. What is familiar offers the illusion of control and predictability. Better the devil you know, as they say.
However, in extreme cases, this leads to learned helplessness where an individual gives up even trying to get themselves out of a bad situation
Because of the hardship in the known territory, I assumed that there was even greater hardship outside my known territory. Venturing beyond the known is intimidating, requiring discipline and risk of greater suffering.
In many cases, this line of thinking led to me indulging in self-handicapping behaviour.
I was convinced that the mental and physical struggle in the known territory was the maximum amount that I could tolerate. This kills the spirit of adventure, the willingness to try in the first place.
How do you gain the confidence to dare stride into the unknown?
Well, sharing my fears with others enabled me to get new perspectives. They can be a friend, colleague, therapist, parent, mentor or any other person. Because other people are not blinded by your own biases, they can illuminate alternate paths.
Concluding thoughts
Exploring fears and failures can at times be an emotionally provoking endeavour. It can uncover layers of unresolved pain and regret. It requires self-compassion.
There is always mainstream advice that many people swear by to overcome failure. It can be frustrating when that advice doesn't work for you. I always assumed I was the problem. Going down the path of exploration can give you insight into what may be the root cause of your failures.
Frustration with perceived failure often blocks growth that could be achieved with little strides, expanding the horizon of potential.
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