Inner Strength Does Not Come Overnight
There is a myriad of discoveries before that happens
When I look back over the decades, I realize that life has been my greatest teacher, ably supported by “experience”. Depending on how we look at it, growing up can be painful, or…educative.
My mother was married at thirteen. She became pregnant with me at seventeen when my father abandoned her after leaving the country to pursue higher studies. Life was not easy and she had to tolerate a ridiculous amount of domestic abuse at her in-laws’ before she finally got her cup of peace and returned to her mother’s place in another city.
Some might say my childhood was less than perfect. I did not think so, though. I considered myself lucky to suddenly have three doting uncles, an aunt and my grandmother and their love . . . lucky to see my mother recover and become a person again and blossom. She continued her education to enable her to start a career in teaching and to support us both. Raising a child as a single parent is not easy.
I had the privilege of growing up with my grandmother, a strong yet compassionate woman who taught me some great values. These were:
- I am strong
- Never hesitate to speak up
- Be bold
- If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing
I was my teachers’ pet in school. My friends love me. My family adores me. Throughout my career, I was shown as an example for all the good things. In fact, people cheer me on for my favorite quote “Nothing is Impossible”.
In spite of all that she went through, my mother was innately kind and cheerful and a wonderful teacher who changed lives. Naturally, she instilled some solid life lessons in me.
And yet . . .
I have my secret demons to deal with.
Don’t we all?
You see . . . maybe I am strong, confident and positive . . . but there are certain memories that haunt me — about situations where I wish I had responded differently.
— Like when my mom’s health was failing, I was afraid and frustrated that the doctors appeared to be taking us for a ride with the endless visits that cost us an arm and a leg. I did not have the courage to question the doctor because I was afraid he would not do his best with the treatment. And then the day finally came when I did and simply switched doctors.
— Like when my son was born and I was considered a textbook case by my gynecologist. So imagine our shock when my son and I both went into severe trauma and they had to do an emergency Cesarean. I was afraid we were going to die…and even though things worked out fine, I had that grain of fear in me all the time.
— Like the day we rushed my mom to the hospital and I did not have the courage to even hope — and hated myself for all the things I imagined I should have done but hadn’t. Regret is the worst punishment. There was no need to, but those were desperate times and I couldn’t think straight.
— Like when my son suffered with a persistent cough for months that just wouldn’t go away even though we saw the doctor several times, only to be told that it was just the weather and nothing to worry about. We had the sense to see another doctor and have my son treated for wheezing before it developed into asthma.
Even though I do believe that I am strong and can do whatever I set my mind to, I find myself holding back sometimes — and just can’t explain why . . . and I allow the moment of taking action to pass.
I do know I am a brave person most of the time. And I am glad that even if I don’t always feel confident inside, I have learned not to show it and go forth and do the thing anyway!
I thought I would never have the courage to face an audience, until I did, and was pleasantly surprised to realize I had actually found my vocation!
Oh, one thing I just could not work up the courage to do is cut my hair really short like I had it fifteen years ago. I am afraid that my already thinning hair will disappear. I just didn’t have the guts even though my folks tease me about seeing the brighter side — a choice of different types of wigs. What fun! Thanks to the pandemic, I overcame that fear and one fine day, just chopped my hair to chin-length, thanks to instructions from a YouTube video.
I used to love the exhilaration of the Ferris wheel as a child but when I took a ride a few years ago, I totally panicked. And I doubt if I will ever have the courage to go on that roller-coaster ride I always dreamed of. Sometimes the anticipation is so much more exciting than the actual event, isn’t it?
In more recent times, as much as I love my work, sometimes I just cannot bring myself to say NO to a client even if it stresses me out tremendously. Thanks to my supportive family, I am now learning to overcome that resistance. Because I have realized that self-care is not selfish.
But as I said at the beginning of this post, Life is a great teacher. I like to think I have acquired the wisdom to learn to let go of my own expectations to be happier. At any rate, there’s less to be afraid of. I know I am enough. Strong enough.
Such a myriad of discoveries.
We have to grow through what we go through
And of course, we’re all stronger than we realize, right?
In response to Diana C.’s prompt “Myriad of discoveries” in her Creative Corner edition 12
Vidya Sury, Collecting Smiles ❤ Did you smile today?
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