It’s dark inside
Unknown fears haunt me. Day and night. They have no rhyme or reason to raise their ugly heads. Nor do they have any form or shape. They emerge as invisible vapors clouding my head and crushing my thoughts. The urge to break free from this state of unrest is severe, but I have no way to tackle the fears, as I cannot name them or identify them. I can only feel the heaviness and the hollow in my being. I try to run away, but the trepidations follow me; like Mary’s little lamb.
These fears take up monstrous forms when I shut my eyes and drift into sleep. They manifest as mighty beasts and blood thirsty spirits in my dreams. Their tentacles reach far and wide and clasp every corner of my soul. I wake up startled and sweating, only to realize that the world around is in deep slumber, with no trace of the lurking monster. I go about my life every day, trying to be as normal as normal can be. But, the tsunami in the mind refuses to subside.
A reassuring hug from a loved one may crush the demons inside. But, suffering in silence is my chosen destiny. How will I articulate a fear when I don’t know what it is about? How will I ask for help, when I don’t know what needs to be resolved? “Just leave me alone!”, I scream at the scary creature within and the people around. I engage myself in frivolous pursuits to distract the mind, but the dreadful thoughts come back in the night, when darkness engulfs all.
What does the devil want? My flesh and blood? Or just to see me writhe in pain? Will the beast leave me if I tear my soul apart? Will he be pleased to know that I have succumbed, in defeat? Will he face me head on, if I show him I am a warrior? Being vulnerable was never a choice. I have always put up a brave face, in the wake of any storm; A disguise that has deceived many. People around me live with the glorious thought that, I can fight any fire or fear. But, the demon knows my core. He sees my trembling heart. I have nowhere to hide, no mortal to confide in. Anxiety and apprehension throttle me every day. All the rational thinking methods in the world have failed to restore my inner peace. Prayers too, are in vain.
Humans and the holy spirit have deserted me, leaving me at the mercy of the monster. Surrender or perish are my only options. I am too weak to choose. I lie there, as a mute spectator of my own agonies; a mere observer of my slow death, in the hands of a brutal force. Rest in peace, I whisper to my ears, as my eyes close involuntarily; one last time, as the beast devours my soul.
