It’s True. Recovery isn’t linear,
no matter how much I wish it was.
The first time I heard the phrase “recovery isn’t linear” it didn’t carry a whole lot of weight. There are tons of sayings tossed around in treatment and I figured this was just another standby. But oh how true it is.
Since finally acknowledging my eating disorder and beginning treatment over a year ago, I have been a prime example of the twists and turns that come with recovery. Highs and lows. Ups and downs. If there is one thing you can count on, it’s that it won’t be a straight upward climb.
The import thing is to keep climbing.
Once you commit to recovery there is no going back. Sure, your maladaptive behaviors may creep in, or frankly run over you like a steam engine, but you can never truly go back to what life was before. You have learned more, accepted more, battled more, wanted more, tasted more, and gained more strength with every decision to fight. Things will never be the same.
In my perfectionist mentality it is difficult for me to continue climbing. When I trip and fall (hard) I find it seemingly impossible to want to keep going. If I can’t do it the best, then why do I bother at all? Ed’s voice grabs hold and preys on my drive to succeed. Now. Because Ed knows this is not an easy battle. Maybe he can convince me to quit. To surrender.
So why do I continue to climb? That’s a question I am continually trying to answer. Ed is not going down easy. And right now is when the support of others can really make an impact to keep me going. I can do things for others. I want to protect others. I find more values in others than I do myself. So if continuing to fight leads to something positive for them, that might just keep me trucking along until I find the part of me that wants it for me. I’m seeing glimmers of that inward motivation so with continued work I hope to see that light continue to break through. Someday maybe I can live in the flood of light that comes with freedom from Ed.
