Know your self-worth: from judgment to Self-acceptance
Life as an Empath
As an Empath, as soon as I feel sensory overloaded, I shut down in social interactions. This is a lesson in self-worth and self-acceptance. 🌸
I’m sitting at a round table, and my mind is blank. Even more so, I feel nervous. I feel uneasy.
‘Why is that? Why do I feel so disconnected? Why is my mind not coming up with words? Why am I unable to participate in conversations? What about questions? Surely I can find words to ask a question?’
But no, to my astonishment, I forgot how to talk, act and participate in a simple social event such as having lunch at work.
Let me back up a little bit. I woke up yesterday morning and was super excited to go to work.
As I arrived at the location and walked up the four flights of stairs carrying my heavy suitcase, my heart beat fast. I was looking forward to this day. I entered the studio, and it was full of windows. I smiled. I love a daylight studio. One guy was unloading lights, and I walked towards him and said, ‘Hi, I’m Anja’. We exchanged a few words. I felt alive. I love this part of meeting a new team.
I walked towards the makeup table to set up. With time, my colleagues for the day started to drip in. Before I knew it, everyone was here, the music was on full blast, and I got to work.
I had about two hours of talking to people, getting the Models ready and exchanging pleasantries until I started to feel it. I first noticed that suddenly the music became painful in my ears. Then, when I tried to have conversations, I felt disconnected from myself. And before I knew it, an internal wall had built around me. From that moment on, my social awkwardness began.
I do what I always do. I sit on the side. I smile politely. But I am unable to interact.
I know this about myself. I know that when there is too much noise and it gets too busy, my sensory overload kicks in.
It’s just that I enjoy being part of a team, and as soon as I notice I’m unable to talk, I start to panic. I panic that I will be left out.
And at that moment at the lunch table, that is how I felt. I felt left out. I felt like I couldn’t show them who I was. I could not participate in the conversations.
The more I tried to interact, the more I felt I was failing. And this, it pains me to say, made me question my self-worth.
Have the people around me noticed the turmoil within my mind?
Can they notice me silently praying that the wall might come down and I could interact freely again?
This morning I woke up and did what I always do when I feel overloaded with questions about a situation. I talked out loud to the sky. The more I spoke, the more I realized WHY I was so upset that I could not participate in conversations.
I wanted them to work with me again. Everyone was lovely and kind, and I wanted them to like me.
I wanted to belong.
I wanted to feel appreciated.
I wanted to feel accepted as I am.
All the while, I didn’t belong to myself.
I didn’t appreciate myself.
I didn’t accept myself.
Being an Empath is an interesting experience. We feel so strongly, and we care so much.
When I’m at work, I care about how I do my job. I care about the people. I care about teamwork. I care about being part of the group. I care about being seen for all that I am.
I mixed up one important detail:
How others perceive me does not measure my self-worth.
If and how many people want to work with me again in the future does not measure my self-worth.
The quality of my conversations does not measure my self-worth.
My worth is a power deep within me. A sensation. A stillness. A grace. We all have it.
I take yesterday as a lesson. A lesson in self-worth and acceptance towards my empathic self.
I hope that next time I’m at work and notice myself shut down, I will remove myself from the scene and go to the toilet. With one hand on my heart, I will look at myself in the mirror and say: ‘It is okay. You are doing the best you can. It is okay to take it easy for the rest of the day. It is okay that you can not respond with quick jokes around a lot of stimulation. It is okay that you can not speak up in big groups. You have your skills. You have your strengths. And you know what they are. I love and accept you just as you are.’
As I write this, I remember a prayer from Deepak Chopra.
Prayer for Acceptance by Deepak Chopra.
A is for Acceptance.
Today I will accept myself just as I am.
I will reaffirm that I’m a beautiful person, just as I am.
Today I will accept myself just as I am.
I will reaffirm that I’m a wonderful person, just as I am.
Today I will accept myself just as I am.
I will love myself just as I am.
Today I will say to the infinite Devine being, the mystery that we call god: thank you, god, for making me just as I am.
Knowing this, I will see the world just as it is.
I will accept the world just as it is.
And in the clarity of that awareness, I will feel peace, harmony, laughter and love.
The bellow meditation is something else I like to do to remind myself of my self-worth.
Meditation to see the light within you
Come to a comfortable seated position or lay on your back.
Close your eyes.
Place your palms as it feels right to you today: on your heart, belly or relaxed on your legs.
Take a deep breath in and settle into your whole body.
On your exhale, let go of any tension.
Direct your focus towards the centre of your chest.
Repeat to yourself three times, ‘Thank you’.
Visualize a light in the centre of your chest.
With each inhale, focus on the ball of light in your heart.
With each exhale, see the light expand.
Repeat a couple of times.
I like to put on a song and keep breathing and visualizing the light expand until the song ends. 🤗
We’re all pure love.
We’re all pure light.
Sometimes, we just need a reminder and reconnect to that still centre deep within us.
With so much love from my heart to yours,
Anja x
