Leaving The Fear of Being Seen
How I am Navigating It
For the longest time, I have always preferred to be in the shadows, in the background, and not in the spotlight. For something as easy as choosing a sitting position in a lecture room, I will always go for the middle ones or those near the back of the class. I never chose the front row.
My teenage years were no different. Impressive/stellar grades. Well-curated notes. Doing my assignments on time. I was basking on academic validation that always put me in the spotlight on my peers and those I interacted with. And for the longest time, I could not understand what made me a target of responsibility for leadership positions.
Where this fear comes from
But, to be truly honest, I always felt inadequate. I felt as if I was in a spotlight yet had no idea who was looking at me. Who was seeing me. I feared being judged. Not being liked. Exposing my insecurities. This meant that I was reluctant to take up these positions, but my teachers always convinced me that I deserved to be in such positions. The responsibilities did not excite me most of the time since it meant being on my peers’ necks, which rubbed on some of them. Things ruffled.
I thought it was my shyness. But as time passed, I realized it was more profound than that. My fear of exposing myself to others crippled me. Navigating most of my responsibilities was possible due to the support system I had. But I would still try my best not to be in the spotlight. I always believed the shadows served me better, but this cover was always blown. All the damn time.
This fear, without my knowledge, had penetrated into my relationships. I felt ashamed hanging out with some people, feeling unworthy or undeserving to be in certain spaces. This having compounded from this fear. I had no intention of talking about what I was going through or experiencing with anyone since I always wanted not to be the center of attention. With time, all this spiraled when I craved connections that would validate me even though I always kept almost everyone on the sidelines.
Writing about my own experiences especially that will likely strike an emotional chord, is something I have evaded this past year. I always avoid explicitly talking about things that have me as the center of the experience. I felt it was much beneficial when I detach from myself, when sharing information yet it would be more relatable when I share my experiences.
How I have Chosen to Address this Fear
Now that I know it, I have realized that seeking conformity will always not serve me.
Suppressing my personality will not be part of my narrative.
I am choosing to showcase parts of myself and letting go of parts of myself punctuated by this fear and worry.
Constantly affirming myself has been a gamechanger for me.
Accepting that other people’s perception of me is something I have no control over, has been helpful in this process.
This is still not easy daily since I still find myself feeling safe in the shadows. I am now in the process of exploring what makes me feel seen and how can I be comfortable in that.
All in all, it is easy to remain the safety of the invisible but till when?
PS: Thank you for reading this article.
