Let me Tell you a Not so Secret Secret…
Going back isn’t better!
I’m going to be honest. And vulnerable. I took a very deep nose dive in terms of my recovery. It’s not something I am proud of, but it’s something I need to talk about.
I’ve been taking some time to think about what has built up to this point. This point of overwhelm and implosion. From the outside, it appears to be from a recent transition out of IOP and the news of needing to move to a new therapist in the upcoming weeks. However, inside there is so much more. The last few months have been a continuous struggle for me in recovery and it’s as if I finally hit my breaking point. But I need to untangle it all in order to deal with it.
So why am I struggling?
Well because I opened up multiple cans of worms in EMDR and they are all still spilling everywhere. I am putting toxins in my daughter’s body on a weekly basis while putting her through her personal hell as we treat her new medical condition. I was giving food to my son that I have been told can kill him in order to find out if he can now tolerate it. (He can! Which we are very thankful for but it was a huge stress that I have yet to address.) In the last couple of months I have been reminded that my BABIES died before I could meet them, and I continue to blame myself. I have been plagued with new memories of being sexually assaulted as a child and wishing for my life to end. At night it’s as if I can feel the grip on my former abuser on my neck while I try to fall asleep. I am reminded daily of how I feel my value is in what my physical body can do for the person I thought would see me as a human being. All while the person that has walked all of this way in recovery with me is leaving-which leaves me to have to go through all of this again outside of the safety we have built. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
It’s time to make a decision.
Now with a list of things to process, it’s time to decide which way I go with it. At this moment I am in stuck this purgatory between the life I knew and the life I could have. I KNOW what I had, but what is possible is still a mystery. Is it worth the work to get there? Do I revert back to old coping strategies? I mean, they worked for this long didn’t they? Or was that a sham? The easy road? This afternoon I couldn’t decide which way to go.
Tonight, I’m here to say that I am going forward.
I am all in. This point of implosion is the point where I dig in hard instead of giving up. It’s time to do recovery boot camp at home. Alarms. Plans. Therapies. Honesty. Openness. Medications. Routines. Defying the unhealthy thoughts and ideas over and over and over again. I know what is behind me, and I need to quit fooling myself into believing that it is better than what could be ahead.
