Life is More Interesting at 2 AM — Suicide Attempt
I’m about to cry because three months ago at 2 in the morning, I almost killed myself. Now, I write about it at 2 in the morning.
I never thought that I’d try to kill myself. I always wondered, “How painful is it? Will I really gonna die? Or would I be disabled because of it?” and other scary thoughts that ever crossed my mind. It was scary enough to stop me from taking any drastic actions, until three months ago at 2 AM, when I was avoiding all my work and watching the Modern Family show. I felt really good then, but I feel quite irresponsible now. (wink, wink)
In the middle of the show, I got hungry. I cooked rice, cracked some eggs, and chopped some onions. It was really quiet at 2 AM, and I could hear my heartbeat. So, I opened my phone to play music. An Instagram Live notification popped up, and I saw my friends having fun, laughing, and living their lives while I was not a part of it, and that really hit me hard. I felt so lonely. Alone, with no one inviting me to their parties, and no one even noticing if I’m gone. I guess.
Suddenly, my head was filled with weird voices. I heard Fauzan’s voice with the visualization playback of the memory when he sat in the library, saying, “You’d be better off killing yourself. You don’t have any friends.” and other hurtful sentences about me filled in my head. I looked at the knife next to the onions. I said to myself, “Fauzan was right. What’s the point of life anyway? when no one loves me. I should just end it.”
I placed the knife near my carotid artery and my vocal cords. So, people near me wouldn’t hear me if I screamed for help. I was planning to end my life at 2 AM. I took a deep breath; my whole body shook, and I accidentally dropped the knife, which ended up stabbing my big toe. It hurt really badly. I can imagine how painful it would be if I had stabbed my neck, lost a lot of blood, and died slowly without any help.
I cried for a while and try to call my boyfriend — who is the only support I have back then. Sadly, he’s not in town; we’ve been in a long-distance relationship for four months. I called him without saying anything; I just cried and texted him so he wouldn’t be confused.
I haven’t tried to call my family, not even crossed my mind; they didn’t get me, I haven’t felt loved around them. I had a few friends — who always shared negative thoughts and shared life updates about each other life, but I’m not sure they would pick up my call at 2 in the morning. I felt lonely at the moment until my boyfriend picked up my calls. In that moment, all I wanted was to be felt safe knowing that he’ll always be there for me.
I cried while I wrote this shit.
Thus, since Fauzan uttered that specific sentence in front of me on that day, one of my life’s goals is to prove that Fauzan was wrong. Maybe he forgot about that day, but I never did. That’s the irony of bullying: the victim carries the trauma, while the bully has nothing to worry about.
~Toodle-oo!
