Light
How an Indian Festival Is Teaching Me What Light Really Means
“Ruby.”
It’s Raksha Bandhan — an Indian festival. Everything is dressed in white, from the walls to the carpet. The lights are dim but somehow golden.
I’m seated in a room where the vibes have travelled from the front to the back rows, drenching us all in an intense, meditative light. I was submerged.
In the midst of my vibe-soaking session, a woman whispers in my ear then taps my shoulder, “Ruby, it’s your turn. You can go up”
A few moments later, I’m sat on an ivory, cushioned stool, peering into the silent and tender eyes of another woman.
Gentle and warm, light is being poured into my being.
A jewel is sweetly placed onto the centre of my forehead, the woman’s eyes never shifting away. She picks up my right hand.
Once the delicate thread is tied, she flips my hand over and places a gift into my palm. I look down at the velvet, red pouch.
It reads “Light”
Feelings
I sat submerged in powerful feelings that evening. And these feelings have continued in, albeit, subdued doses throughout my time here.
In my practice, I’ve experienced delays — Not being able to experience all that I had when I first started meditating. And I felt frustrated about where I was going: Was I moving fast enough? What would happen if I continued short-circuiting my meditation experiences?
By short-circuiting, I mean pumping the breaks as soon as they became too intimate, as soon as the experience with my true self asked more of me than I was willing to give.
Not being in control of when my desire would hijack my meditation practice drove me bonkers.
These beautiful feelings had given way to suppressed, frightful emotions that pleaded to be dealt with. These frightful emotions are probably why I avoided feeling things in the first place.
It’s not like I never felt anything. I felt moodiness… But not feeling-ness.
I felt moodiness…”
I’ve always been a bit of a nervous girl. I worried about this. But it seems people on the outside didn’t notice. I held — And still hold — My worry well.
One day in grade 11, I entered the girls’ bathroom. I saw my best friend sat beside a mutual friend whose tears flowed heavily. I later learned that she suffered a lot during her cycle; the cramps were excruciating.
And I could see that pain on her face. But as I entered and made eye contact with my best friend as she cradled our other friend, I was stuck. Automatically, I exited forgetting why I’d come in the first place.
I didn’t know what to do.
I didn’t know what to feel except to feel badly for our friend and feel badly for my poor response.
Rakhi
It was at the Brampton Meditation Centre that I learned I was not in fact a pillar of stoicism, unloving unless a good joke, or other types of fun were involved. I was actually a feeling person. And I feel a lot.
At the centre, I rediscovered beautiful feelings that had remained untapped for a very long time. Raksha Bandhan was one of those times.
Raksha Bandhan is an Indian festival that’s celebrated in late summer every year.
This festival began over millennia ago when Brahmin priests would tie a thread on householders — their patrons — as a symbol of protection. Their patrons would give alms in return.
Over time, priests were replaced by mothers who would tie a rakhi, a thread, on the wrists of their sons before they went off to battle. This thread signifies protection and the promise of a safe journey home.
In modern times, sisters tie a thread on their brothers every year. And in exchange, brothers gift their sisters with clothing, money, while sisters gift their brothers with sweets.
From what I’ve learned, the gifts represent protection from brothers, and the thread represents protection, love and care from their sisters.
Rakhi highlights the bond between brothers and sisters, and in earlier times it highlighted the bond between God, through the priests, and souls, God’s children.
Light
I walked to the bus stop, then once off the bus, I walked back home feeling protected and strong in God’s light. He raised me up so that I could see the beauty that existed and continues to exist within me.
Light.
I found it challenging to understand what “Light” meant. There were many different virtues written on the variety of pouches that were given out that evening — All unique. And I wondered why I received “Light” and what “Light” meant for me.
Over time, I let the question go, but now as I reflect back, there’s the feeling that my light, I, the light, the soul, could be free from the bondages that I had carried within me for so long — The guilt or shame of feeling stuck. Whenever I wanted, I could let go of all bonds and enter into my world of light, free from the dark, the heaviness of suffering.
I could just be light.
I sit still in the feeling of love and I radiate that light outward, from the centre of my forehead, from the centre of my heart.
A lantern of peace.
I still lose patience with myself. But my heart finds the virtue of tolerance particularly useful in rekindling a feeling of love for myself once again. Eventually, laughter comes back and the tension subsides.
I’m seeing that it might just be a matter of learning how to transform moodiness into tolerance, and my tolerance into cheer: Learning how to tune in to the good no matter what other emotions are also present.
