Mid 40s. Divorced. Single. Now What?
Life’s a journey, not a destination — Aerosmith
How the white picket fence turned into a road to nowhere
Wow, never thought I’d be here. I really didn’t. Even though I was single from the age of 18 to the age of 25, which was very strange considering every other person I knew at the time had been coupled up several times over by then.
In my early twenties I never bought in to the ‘needing a boyfriend’ philosophy. I was repelled by so many men over the years. It was like I could smell the desperation and neediness on them. I sensed that it wasn’t ME they actually wanted, it was just a ‘girlfriend’. So I kept my distance and stayed celibate.
At that point in my life I didn’t really know what I wanted sexually or romantically. I was still engaging with my first love, a toxic ex who had emotionally abused me for 7 years on and off. Being an adult child of an alcoholic, I was a very easy target with my toxic shame and extremely low worth.
Then I met ‘the one’ at age 24. The kindest man I thought I’d ever be so lucky to meet. We were friends, no real chemistry but I didn’t trust chemistry any more.
