My Experience of Ego Death in Growth
Outgrowing myself was like a snake shedding its skin.
Ego death was not as dramatic as it might sound.
I had gone through it a couple of times, big and small, but only when I looked back did I realize how much I had changed along the way.
Sometimes all I had to do was to release myself from THAT version of me that no longer serves me any better.
To me, ego death is inevitable and essential for personal growth. Here are the things I did:
1. Let Go of Attachment to Familiarity Even if It Is Uncomfortable
The attachment can certainly create a mental space where we feel safe, but sometimes, it makes us fearful of changing even when we are suffering.
It can be the attachment to certain people and how they once treated or hurt us badly. It can be the attachment to an environment where we keep repeating the same old story that gets us nowhere.
I used to feel/be like a victim and I had to constantly defend myself because I believed I was alone in all this. I had to work harder and longer hours than others to compete. I had to create presentable results or multiple solutions all the time to prove that I was qualified to work there. I had to defend myself in every conversation because people were like wolves sniffing for blood.
But I chose to tolerate the intolerables. I thought if I kept trying, if I lowered my standard, things would eventually get better. More often I worried: where would I be if I left? Who I am without all those?
Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on. — — Eckhart Tolle
Obviously, the reality didn’t hit me hard enough until one day I finally couldn’t lower myself anymore any longer. The situation that I was very familiar with has been my inferno for longer than it should. I knew that it was time to make plans and get myself out or I would suffer more both mentally and physically.
That’s it. That was the final stop sign life showed me. And I didn’t ignore it this time.
It took me quite some courage, time and energy to make plans and take action but what drove me the whole time was my dedication. I knew I had to change or things would only get worse. I can’t look back and the only way out is through and forward.
2. Reconnect With the Inner Wisdom and Trust Myself
“When I think I am fighting alone, I forget who I truly am.”
Before I tapped into my awareness, I thought I was a soul living alone in a bodysuit in this physical world. I never knew there’s much power and wisdom one can have once a person remembers and claims who he/she really is.
In the beginning, all those sound utterly delusional: So you say there’s a higher power within everyone? You create your own reality? That basically contradicts everything I’ve learned since I was a kid.
But I thought it wouldn't hurt to give it a try, even just for fun. So I did and it opened a new door to me with open arms.
I’ve worked pretty hard on my beliefs. There are many techniques to try but the hardest part was to truly believe I have the power to steer the wheel and more importantly to live the life I want. But I know life didn't put me here just to suffer, I need to look deeper and see through what suffering is trying to tell me.
Countless times life will remind you who you are but you’ll only wake up to it when it hits you hard enough.
During the process of self-discovery, I felt more at ease and peaceful, I realized the power to change starts within, I noticed things were changing along because I started to change.
Now when I pray, I talk as if I am speaking to my highest self, I reconnect and trust him/her will show me a hint or a way somehow.
You can be your own biggest supporter or worst critic, be aware of whom you embody at different moments and make conscious choices.
3. Declutter the Past and Leave the Old Self With It
It is one thing to face the past and learn what can help me grow.
It is another thing to decide what I bring forward with me when traveling in life.
Sometimes, those stories and baggage can be so heavy that it slows me down. At that moment I knew I needed to declutter some old version of me.
The me that felt upset about being misunderstood by others. The me that allowed people to treat me with disrespect. The me that trusted people too soon but ended up showing weakness to those holding a knife. The me that showed too much authenticity to those who don’t deserve it. The list can go very long.
Those versions of me were dead by my own sentence. I put them alongside the past stories in an imaginary museum of memories.
After I did that, I felt so much lighter. I removed those invisible weights on my shoulder so to travel lighter and faster.
Stop worrying about the ‘Should have…would have…could have’ because the past is done. The presence is where you can consciously decide, make proactive changes and create the future you had in mind. Don’t relive the history over and over again or you’ll just be hurting yourself once more.
Final Thoughts
The death of ego is a gradual process filled with dedication and resilience. You have to stand in front of yourself, observe it and then make conscious changes. It took a long time of awareness and practice to be an observer of yourself. But when you look back and see the progress you’ve made, remember to give yourself a pat on the shoulder because it was not easy but necessary.
Have faith and be gentle with yourself.
Start small and start now.
Follow me on an inspirational mindfulness journey!
Clap👏 or leave a comment if you have any words to share!
