My First Time Living Through War.
My experience living through the first Gaza war.
I still remember the exact moment the missiles started flying over my head. It was late December 2008 in Gaza. I was in 4th grade and I was going for my final exam. I had just finished watching Tropic Thunder before I left for school. I used to be a gifted kid so I didn’t really study much but still got high grades. The atmosphere was quiet walking up to the school gate until the explosion started out of nowhere as soon as I crossed the gate.
When the explosion started, I and my friends at the time just stood there in the yard looking at the planes and missiles. After some time had passed and my ADHD brain was bored the teachers took us to the classrooms to hide. The classrooms were filled with kids hiding. All the fathers then came to pick them up from school. My father was late as he was working at the hospital.
In Gaza, the entire family including uncles and aunts live in the same building but in separate apartments of course. When my father and I arrived, all the family was in the same place sitting attentively and anxiously watching the news and listening to the radio. Everyone was very happy to see me back, above all my mother.
I remember one of my cousins was yelling at the planes in the sky with rage and pride in his eyes, so I joined him. Watching the F-16s and Apache helicopters in the sky was one of my favorite activities during the war because we did not have electricity or internet for weeks and it was my only source of entertainment.
The news said that the Israeli army has initiated a military campaign on Gaza. From all fronts, land, sea, and air. We were trapped and being bombed in every possible way. Planes were dropping bombs, boats were firing missiles, and tanks were firing shells.
For some reason, I don’t remember being scared of all the bombings. My prepubescent child mind considered it a game. One of my favorite games was to count how many planes I saw every day. I thought of it as an action movie. In retrospect, I think it was my brain’s way of protecting me.
Sometimes, I saw the planes literally drop the bomb right above our home and I would watch as the bomb traveled and hit a house in the distance creating a cloud of smoke and fire.
The most I have been scared during this war and in my life was when a missile flew right past our house. The sound was so loud that I could not hear myself screaming. In those few seconds of horror and ear-deafening noise, I thought that was it. I thought I was gonna die. I was holding a glass of water when it happened. I dropped the glass and dropped to the floor screaming and hugging my legs and my face was between my knees. My brain can only do so much to protect me, but it could not protect me from this.
We have a tradition here in Gaza, where whenever there is heavy bombing going on or close to our house everyone in the building, all family members, gathers in the same place. It’s so that if the house does get bombed we can all die together and no one will be left to mourn the others.
The most devastating part for me was not the war itself. It wasn’t all the death and destruction. It was when my mother had to leave and go back home to Russia.
My father went to medical school in Russia. That is how he met my mother. I was born in Russia. After I was born both my parents came back to live in my father’s home city of Gaza. I’m still not sure why my mother agreed to come to live in Gaza, or even why my father didn’t just stay in Russia.
My mother left for Russia with both of my younger brothers. It was just me and my father, and my father spent most of his time at the hospital. I lived with my relatives for the second half of the war.
My mother made a difficult decision. Her parents pressured her to come back for her own safety. She brought both of my younger brothers to protect them as well. I don’t remember why I did not go with her, but I suspect it has something to do with the lack of money.
I remember the morning she left. She kissed my cheek with tears in her eyes and gave me a hug. I pretended to be asleep so I did not have to say goodbye to her. The situation was overwhelming for me. I didn’t want to go through with something like this. I was and still am a pretty stoic guy. I’m not in touch with my emotions.
My mother was gone and my father was absent most of the time, for good reasons though. I felt lonely and helpless.
I can’t imagine what my mother went through at this time. She had to leave me and my father knowing that we might die at any time.
Whenever my father was home he would do anything to distract from the reality of the situation. He would get me a lot of chocolate and toys.
My strategy during the war was to simply sleep and play pretend. That is what I did for the rest of the war.
When it was all over and they announced a ceasefire in late January, I was elated. It was so quiet. No planes, no bombing. No clouds of smoke in the distance. No more jumpscares from explosions. I felt safe and relieved.
A few weeks later my mother and brothers returned to Gaza. When they arrived I immediately ran to my mother a gave her a hug. When we were embracing I felt at peace. I felt secure. It felt like I was floating on a cloud. It was surreal.
I still lived through three more wars, some more severe than others. This one is remarkable because it’s the first and it’s the first traumatic event in my life. Also, I’m pretty sure I have some form of PTSD, and sudden loud noises terrify me.
One of the things I learned from this is that you have to be at peace with not having control. I felt helpless during it and I wanted to do anything to help, but I was just a 9-year-old boy caught in the middle of a situation too big for me to influence.
Another thing I learned is that shit happens and you should not dwell on anything bad because it will eat you up. If something happens, deal with it and move on.
Your parents are a treasure. My mother's warmth and my father's support during this time are how I came out the other side of this relatively unscathed psychologically.
What about you dear reader? Did anything like this happen to you? I’m really curious.
