My Healing Progress
I am proud of how far I have come along
I have had trouble “receiving” — I disassociate when I hear positive remarks about me. As part of my life coach training, I dioggled an exercise where I was there to receive affirmations from my classmates. I happened to do this twice, once back in August, and once in November. The stark contrast in my experiences is what prompted me to write this piece.
The affirmation exercise.
The exercise goes like this: for 1 minute, one person would be the center of attention. All the other participants would share an affirmation of this person, and the individual will quietly bask in this positivity.
Sounds lovely and simple, right?
Back in August.
No, it was an unpleasant experience for me. I waited patiently for my round, as I happened to be the last one to go. I witnessed composed, stiff-lipped classmates blushed, smiled, and teared up. I saw their initial discomfort slowly melting away and their self-love blossoming.
When it was my turn, I completely disassociated. It felt almost like I didn’t even speak English. Or I was under water. I turned to the captions, and those letters might as well be alien symbols. Who was this person they were describing?
Into therapy.
This experience made it apparent my trouble with “receiving”. Unlike in real life, where a compliment whizzed by, this time I stood there for a minute, more than long enough for me to notice the disassociation. And these people have no reasons to lie. They are not here to oggle or patronise. Yet I still had trouble accepting the compliments.
I worked with my therapist on this. We did some deep work to explore all the negative experiences I have had surrounding praise, and specific types of praise.
Take two, in November.
Coincidentally, I was the last to go again. This time, I did not disassociate. I went in with 100% curiosity and 0% fear. I wonder what they would tell me.
And as each affirmation came, I said mentally, “Oh yea! I am that.”
Particularly when they said, “You are a poet”.
Yes. That’s true. I am that.
As I allowed myself to own each of the attributes they mentioned, I became more confident. And the more confident, the more I was able to own the attributes.
I realised there is nothing wrong with owning my attributes. It is by embracing the full spectrum of my being that I could give myself fully.
Healing is possible.
I am proud of the progress I have made. What stark contrast with the two experiences. I have become less anxious in general. I started forming closer and more supportive relationships. Which feeds back to less anxiety. It’s a boom cycle all around.
I am grateful for the transformation. How has therapy helped you?
