Life Philosophy
Overcome Your Insecurities for a Fuller Life and Become the Best You
And pay attention to how your insecurities may lead you astray. Don't be ruled by your ‘programming’.
I made my professional career choice when I was young, confused, and particularly insecure. Not going where my burning interests were, rather I sought security and guarantee somewhere else. The security I lacked within I sought without: in my jobs, studies, and career choice; in relationships, and in other forms of outer validations.
Only to discover, years later, that it was not the kind of security I really needed.
We constantly make choices in our everyday lives. Often without either thinking or knowing what’s the driving force behind. Choices are done in an instance — not rarely ‘automatically’ — and the second later they appear gone, forgotten in the stream of ever-new must-dos coming our way. When we’re faced with a massive amount of data and endless distractions to wade our way through, it’s not particularly easy to make sense of the world (to do ‘sense making’).
Though, what is the root driving our choices, one might ask.
Not an easy question.
Some traces go back to our childhoods. And to the culture and the society that has shaped us. Furthermore, there are genetic predispositions. Making us act the way we do.
Yet, it appears there is something intrinsic that is unique for each and every one of us — something that goes beyond our ‘programming’.
Or are we born as ‘tabula rasa’ (blank slates), or simply preordained ‘genetic machinery’?
It is easy to rationally argue against the existence of something so utterly un-conceptual as an ‘intrinsic uniqueness’, thoroughly easier than to actually explore that part of yourself.
But if you have [explored within], you may have found that there is something there, to probe into even deeper. That part which makes life intriguing (read: meaningful).
What is your natural inclination, what are you here to do?
This is what you find when you go within. If you dare, it’s quite scary!
But what thwarts us from reaching, or aligning, with this part of ourselves?
Is it our insecurities, perhaps?
Different shades of insecurity — It’s not an ‘either or’ matter
By external view, it’s not necessarily all that obvious who’s insecure and who’s not.
There are those who are,
i) ‘Timid Insecure.’ The obvious insecure type, let’s say. They seem to be that timid, nervous, and awkward friend who cues with their whole body language they’re not worthy to be taken seriously. There are also more subtle variants of this sort of introverted insecurity, sometimes veiling underlying resentments.
ii) ‘Hermetic secure.’ Then there are introverted people who’re not necessarily very insecure at all — they just have other preferences in relating to others. Intimate meetings, like one-on-one, are, usually, their cup of tea; while for them awkward mingle situations are preferably eschewed. They may appear somewhat enigmatic and even alluring to others. They can be great and insightful friends in our lives—if we’re lucky enough to befriend them that is.
iii) ‘Extroverted insecure.’ The more non-obvious insecure types are the charismatic and socially self-confident people — who can never err. Note that the last part is key. They lack humility, and their sense of self-worth is intertwined with what they do and achieve rather than who they are at the core. If their speech is cogent—they can be quite beguiling. They might deliberately misconstrue your words for their own purpose, and they know just when to throw in that red herring to make you lose your thread. Though it may be a behavior made so habitual it’s become unconscious so that they themselves have become convinced it’s sincere.
iv) ‘Extroverted secure.’ There are confident, highly social people who’re also high in self-esteem, meaning that their sense of self-worth is little dependent on external factors. They tend to be charismatic and humble. They are not afraid to admit mistakes. They connect well with others and are often much liked because you feel understood and seen by them.
Note. Self-esteem is our core self-worth, while self-confidence is more circumstance-dependent. One can be high in self-confidence and low in self-esteem if one, for instance, is very self-assured professionally yet feel insecure in other areas of life.
In my own case, I’d say that I don’t belong to any one of these categories, but rather — all of them, to different extents. Mostly, it has shifted in times and periods of my life. I might have become slightly more mature and more conscious of my own insecurities and thus a little less dominated by them. (Still, they’re there though! And my self-dubious voice can be rather intense!)
The idea is not to categorize people into rigid boxes, rather understand what tendencies you yourself and others may have. So that we know what we need to work on.
And the more attentive you are, the more you learn to pick up on subtle cues also in others. The better you learn to communicate and relate to others.
Understanding your own insecurities may help you to understand insecurities in others. When you can recognize patterns you can understand where [bad] behaviors stem from and not take things so personally. Easier said than done! But something we can work on. It’s a process of continuous learning and refining and not an absolute ‘all-knowing’ state.
Remember, the person who never displays a fragment of vulnerability [except feigned one to gain affection] is likely the most insecure. Since a person high in narcissism — a trait existing also on a scale of greys — measures their value only in achievements and outer validations.
The person who’s completely oblivious to their own insecurities is the person I’m most cautious about. It’s something I try to pay attention to. It’s particularly difficult to see in those fast-thinking, intelligent, charming, and well-spoken people. Something one can note after a time of observing them: they can never be wrong and the main thing is only to be right and ‘win’, sometimes even at the price of ridiculing others. That’s to me an admonitory sign.
Know and find the people you can be vulnerable with and learn to distinguish the people with whom you cannot. By learning to recognize patterns in people’s behavior. Without being all too neurotic about it. It’s a learning process and we need to be lenient with one another. Search those who’re willing to improve and grow.
And don’t forget to also work on yourself. Become the person you wish you had in your life. Then that will be what you attract.
“Everybody has an ego and everybody you meet has insecurities.”
— Robert Greene
To pretend otherwise doesn’t make them go away. There are no shortcuts to self-improvements or to evolve healthy, synergistic relationships with others.
How we may be insecure in different areas of our lives
The simple truth is that we all have experienced insecurity. And depending on our ‘programming’ and propensities our insecurity will be manifested in different ways in different people.
But what is insecurity, really?
WebMD defines it as follows,
Insecurity is a feeling of inadequacy (not being good enough) and uncertainty. It produces anxiety about your goals, relationships, and ability to handle certain situations.
Everybody deals with insecurity from time to time. It can appear in all areas of life and come from a variety of causes. It might stem from a traumatic event, patterns of previous experience, social conditioning (learning rules by observing others), or local environments such as school, work, or home.
The insecurity may be manifested in different areas of our lives and there are often strong overlaps between them.
For instance (examples elaborated from WebMD),
Body image insecurity. Covertly skewed due to shame for our [perceived imperfect] bodies, or overtly skewed in the search of outer gratification and confirmation for our bodies/appearances. There can be a mix of the two: feeling shame for some parts while proud of others. The problem is if it becomes an obsession and our self-worth becomes rooted in appearance.
Social insecurity/social anxiety. This is a tendency to preoccupy with how we are perceived by others. If not dealt with it can spiral down into self-isolation and even social phobia.
Insecurity can be manifested in perfectionism: the desire or even need to prepare and improve — up until obsession — and no matter what never feel ‘good enough’ (at least not for long).
Professional insecurity. This can emanate from a range of factors, many of which might be outer ones, such as an unstable market or economy. Highly agreeable people may struggle in speaking up for themselves in professional environments, as their natural inclination is to avoid conflicts. Though if we feel taken for granted and walked over we may feel increasingly insecure and even become resentful about it—if we don’t learn to fend for ourselves.
Relationship insecurity. Skewed towards different poles: anxious or avoidant attachment styles (there’s also a third, disorganized style). Anxious attachment is manifested in dependency on our partner and a fear of abandonment. Self-identity (and perceived self-worth) might become highly intertwined with the relationship. Avoidant attachment is skewed towards the other end of the spectrum and the tendency is to close down or step away when things become emotionally too close. Since feelings of love and desire can induce fear and feelings of ‘lack of control’ (as emerging love generally does).
Both persons with anxious or avoidant attachment styles are seeking control due to fear — for not knowing how to trust another. (I’ve been battling a lot with this and I’m the last one to judge.) The anxious one seeks control within the relationship, which can suffocate their partner if not dealt with. The avoidant one seeks control in himself by stepping away from incontrollable feelings, shutting his partner out. If these insecurities are not resolved they foreshadow a growing frustration/coldness towards one another and an increasingly unhappy relationship [the last we should want?] or a separation [the last we should want?].
We need to work on ourselves to open up the door for healthier and synergistic relationships in our lives! Not just romantic ones.
The insecurities we carry often stem from attachment issues from childhood, such as lacking supportive and available figures and role models. Precipitating an experienced lack of stability and security and thus trust. Not knowing how to trust makes us feel the need to control things or one another.
Insecurities may also have arisen from skewed appraisals: conditional love. When children are appraised only for external and superficial success while their emotions and small acts of care and collaboration are neglected. When children are shamed for their mistakes they learn to hide them and not own up to them. [Perilous if it becomes an ossified behavior.] In the long run, such behavior may lead to grown-ups who measure their self-worth in success and validation and experience deep shame and humiliation in the occurrence of failure [narcissistic tendencies]. If they can they’ll pretend they didn’t even happen or even distort events, facts, and information to their advantage. If they keep running on ‘autopilot’ nonstop they may become hurtful and unreliable — to say the least — to the people in their intimate surroundings. Perhaps even to their communities if they acquire powerful positions.
They’ll likely evolve mechanisms to constantly rationalize their own behavior, which makes them almost impossible to confront.
This is not only a ‘they-thing’. Narcissism seems pervasive in our society. It’s not something absolute, even if some are dangerously high in the trait. It’s something that to different extents exists in all of us (I believe). Speaking for myself, it was something I needed to investigate within myself—to not unknowingly be driven by it more. Really, it’s fear rooted in the core, a lack of trust in myself: and identification with the image I wanted to portray (and still do, embarrassingly!). The work continues. I’m only human.
What seems less possible is to try to change others who don’t want to change. It can be grievous when they are our loved ones. But the best thing we can do is to let go of the things that are out of our hands. Set boundaries in those relationships we can’t or don’t want to let go of: to not let unconstructive behaviors in others get to us.
Non-resolved insecurity leads us astray
Not coming to terms with our insecurities means they will indirectly guide our lives. And our egos will rationalize and come up with appropriate reasons for doing so.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
— Carl Gustav Jung
If we don’t deal with our underlying insecurities they become our destiny. If we don’t feel secure inside, we’ll search for it outside. We, thus, become more susceptible to group thinking and indoctrination.
We’ll unconsciously make choices that are rooted in the circumstances that shaped us. Choices that are easy to rationalize. But like Daniel Schmachtenberger said,
“Rationalizing is the opposite of being rational.”
We may end up on the wrong path. In the wrong career and/or with the wrong partner and/or in the wrong ‘group identity’.
If we’re driven by unconscious insecurities almost certainly we will. The question is if and when we come to realize it and what we do in such a case?
How to resolve
Everybody is born with intrinsic potential.
The question is, ‘what’s your intrinsic potential?’, ‘what do you have or want to offer to others and the world?’, ‘what is it that you cannot stop thinking or dreaming about, what is it that’s throbbing at the back of your mind?’
What stands in your way?
What insecurities are you not facing?
Find patterns within yourself that are acting against you. Recognize and become aware of your fears. Then start exposing yourself to them. Take baby steps. Anything that you believe is holding you back — you can experiment with, in a way that’s just slightly outside of your comfort zone. You might become surprised at what you can do when you just try. Acknowledge and celebrate small successes. You are much stronger than you think.
What might be a stepwise long-term plan to work towards your hidden dreams?
To find back to our core we also need to resolve our inner conflicts and traumas. Not easy, but possible.
We need to do introspective work, and we need outside help to broaden our perspectives. It may be with the help of a perspicacious therapist. It may also be with the help of other people in our lives (if they dare to point out what they observe and we trust them enough to do so). It may be with the help of literature and lectures from great thinkers. (Perhaps the best thing about modern technology is the availability of wisdom from all times.) It may be with the help of writing: confronting our past this way. It may be in meditation. It may also be in…
Each person decides to start the irksome personal work or not. At the end of the day, we decide ourselves. Do we want to be liberated? For that’s what it means.
The way there isn’t a freeway where the direction is obvious; it’s a winding trail that leads us to unknown places. On which trail we may get lost on, from time to time. That’s life.
“The worst feeling of all is the feeling of having wasted your potential.”
— Robert Greene
Dare to think long-term. What would you in 10–20–30 years hindsight regret not having done?
Thank you for reading
