Physical Healing is just the Beginning
I’m still severely anorexic.
Why do I do this to myself? I know better. I just stepped down from IOP for goodness sakes. But Ed (eating disorder) is SCREAMING.
Physical recovery is only a small piece of eating disorder recovery. Sure, I have weight restored. But as I sit at my son’s soccer game all I can think about is how to not eat anything else until supper. Overwhelmed with guilt for eating a fig bar I start obsessing over calorie counts and plans for tomorrow. The thoughts of how much weight I need to lose, FAST, in order to feel better, to be enough, to have control, keep cycling through on repeat.
It’s exhausting to be constantly fighting.
A couple of months back my therapist was talking to another professional and referred to me as “severely anorexic.” My immediate thought was that there was no way I could still be categorized in that way. I had been maintaining an acceptable weight for weeks! Sitting there I pondered…what qualifies as severely anorexic? What qualifies as anorexic?
Sitting here now, trapped in my own head, I realize I am still severely anorexic.
The scale does not determine the severity of my illness. Lab results do not decide how sick or healthy I am. Eating multiple meals and snacks every day doesn’t equate recovery. It’s the mindset behind it all that needs healing. I can’t tell you how many times I have fought the urge to buy a scale, skip a meal, restrict calories, pace around, watch triggering content, body check, purge…just in the last 24 hours. The fact that I can now identify that these types of thoughts are Ed means I am one step closer to being free, but it also means I am still in the thick of my battle. Completing intensive outpatient does not mean it’s time for me to sit back and relax. If anything, it means I need to work even harder on my own.
Ed makes everything seem so appealing so it’s time to question what he offers. Why do I miss my body that couldn’t function properly? Why do I miss the added anxiety? Why do I miss having precious time with family and friends tainted by fear? Why do I miss the muscle twitches? Why do I miss not being able to sing because it made me woozy?
Simple answer: because I am severely anorexic.
Thankfully I now have seen glimmers of what life can be outside of this illness. I have been taught tools to help me along the journey. And I have hope that someday I can say that Ed is history. For the time being, I will keep going in this life fighting Ed.
