Questioning Myself in the Quest for Clarity and Direction
Pondering and the bittersweet realisations
There are several thoughts that I keep pondering over and over in my head as I seek clarity and direction in my life. Some keep me late at night or wake me up at dawn. I hope my thought process and conclusions make are helpful.
I should have probably written these thoughts in my diary, but who knows how the devil convinced me to air them online. Oh well, too late now!
Who will I be in the future?
It has been as clear to me as the desert skies that I cannot even tell where I will be in the next 5 years. I have tried before but I have always been hilariously wrong. I occasionally recall the hopes and dreams I had in high school. Spoiler alert: I am 180 degrees from the direction of where I wanted to be.
The rational realist in me knows that planning such a long-term plan is absurd. I mean, 5 years contains so many variables! But even so, I find myself drawn to that tiny voice wondering what the future holds.
One of the popular YouTubers, Ryan Trahan, once said, “Today didn’t go according to plan, it went according to life.” And that stuck with me because I’ve always thought of “life” as everything that happens outside the plan. And in my experience, that’s like 99% of it. Maybe I am a poor planner.
When I was younger, the future was a limitless canvas, endless possibilities and I was an artist with a boundless palette. Now that I’m an adult, there’s this meme that rings sadly true — “Being an adult is like looking both ways before crossing the street and then getting hit by an aeroplane.” Not exactly encouraging!
I think of life as cone-shaped; life starts wide and narrows down as we age. The vast expanse of dreams, options and potential, gradually tightens into a focused path. Yet, with the supposed fewer options, it’s difficult to tell where I will find myself in the next half-decade.
A friend once told me to think of life as a foggy staircase. You can’t see the whole of it, but you can see the next few steps. Each step we take uncovers a little more happiness and hope, not the despair of worrying about the invisible steps way ahead.
I think it’s time I start focusing on the next step rather than trying to see through the fog.
Am I the right person for the job?
Yeah, I know it sounds like typical imposters syndrome but this is not a case of me feeling like a fraud. It is about questioning my ability to go through with my plans. I have, on many occasions, failed to mentally bring myself to execute my plans, rationalising my excuses. The bittersweet nature of knowing your weaknesses.
Every December, as people gather to prepare and celebrate the new year, I can’t help but wonder about the goals I betrayed and let go of during the journey through the year. The new dawn of January or any new month brings with it a familiar question — am I the right person for the job?
Procrastination has given me company for so long that sometimes I mistake them for a friend.
But hey, all hope is not lost. I still have faith in my abilities, at least they have brought me this far. I can only hope the next hurdle won’t be the last blow to convince me to let go of the things I want to pursue.
What do I really know?
A while back I resolved to become a lifelong learner. With this identity, it meant questioning why things are. It meant I would not settle for surface-level explanations. I chose not to be satisfied with one man’s description of the mountain peak and the valley below; it meant I would climb the mountain for myself and see the peak and valley with my own eyes. I wanted to dig deeper and form my own opinions.
While this journey has been incredibly rewarding, it also left me feeling exposed to the realisation of how little I truly know. As Socrates supposedly said, “The more you learn, the more you realize how little you know.” Truer words were never spoken.
This humbling realization illuminated a bitter truth about the world today — the Dunning-Kruger effect is a silent pandemic. Thankfully it’s curable, but most patients are deep in denial.
Nevertheless, the journey of life-long learning has changed my perception of the world and life. It’s a path I recommend everyone to undertake.
Concluding thoughts
Sharing my thoughts has been oddly therapeutic, considering my chronic overthinking tendencies. Self-reflection is good for the soul, right? Hopefully, any readers out there dealing with similar thoughts can relate. We might not see the full staircase ahead, but if we focus on the next step, we just might make it to the top.
If you enjoyed this article, consider following me at Solitude Titan
Read Next: How I trained my mind to think long term and delay gratification
