Life Lessons I Learned From Failure
The 3 Steps that set me on the path to success
In 2011, I watched my entire world crumble around me.
My business folded, and as the money dried up, I had to get rid of my home and luxury cars. The woman I was deeply in love with also left me because she found out about my infidelities.
I was fighting battles on all fronts and frantically trying to hold everything I cared for and had built up to that point but to no avail. I was living proof of the phrase ‘when it rains, it pours.’ and it was pouring fire and brimstone.
Don’t look where you fell but where you slipped — African Proverb.
All this was the fault of no one else but mine. I had become successful early in life, and with success came pride and complacency. I was satisfied with my past wins and stopped setting new goals for my life.
To put it in simple terms, I stopped growing.
I believed I was the shit and was heading in the direction of becoming a significant asshole until life forced a detour. Life brought me to a very humbling and humiliating place, a place I had never been before. I was lost and had no clue how to get myself out of this mess.
For the first time in my life, I felt empty and alone. Using Psychologist Robert Plutchik’s wheel of emotions, I constantly drifted between fear, sadness, anger, and disgust.
My mind had become a living hell. Every thought I had was negative towards everything and everyone.
I was fearful of what others would think and how my life would turn out. I was sad because I was alone and helpless. I was angry at life for doing this to me, and I was disgusted at myself for not being the man I thought I was.
All these negative emotions I carried in my heart daily caused a constant knot in my stomach and transformed me outwardly. I looked older, beaten up, and had progressively started walking hunched-over.
I could no longer recognize my reflection in the mirror.
My turning point came when I started to see the reason why people committed suicide, a thought I had never agreed with or entertained in my life. I immediately recognized that the longer I let this thought brew in my mind, the more I would agree with it and do something harmful to myself.
It was at this point it dawned on me that I was in a fight for my life and not the material things I had lost.
I remember sitting on my bed, lights turned off and curtains drawn, hearing a voice in my head saying, ‘You only have two choices, you can choose to fight for your life, or you can choose to lay down and die.’
“Perhaps this was the crisis necessary to orient me to the deeper aspects of myself.”
Tough times are like trying to feel our way out of a dark room, and as our frustration and fear build up the darker the room becomes.
What we need at this point is clarity and a way out, and these 3 steps gave me the clarity and direction I needed to rebuild my life.
Be Honest With Yourself — Take Responsibility for your Shit.
I know this is a cliche, but it’s still the first step to making any progress.
I spent too much time blaming life, bad luck, and everyone around me and neglected looking at the one constant in this whole equation, ‘Me!’ and what role was.
- My role was stagnating and not seeking knowledge and growth.
- My role was surrounding myself with people that didn’t hold me accountable.
- My role was stretching myself financially.
- My role was cheating on my girlfriend.
- My role was having a lot of pride and ego.
Upon realizing my role, I had a good cry for the first time in a very long time, and it felt good. This realization lifted some weight off my shoulders, and the knot in my stomach loosened a bit.
With this, I knew I was on the right path to recovery.
When we blame anything outside of ourselves for our misfortunes, we accept that a force outside of us dictates our lives, and we believe we have no say in the matter.
Taking responsibility for all that happens in your life lets you know you control your life and that the only thing or person working against you is you.
I realized that life didn’t do anything to me; it simply exposed me to my bad decisions over the years, and I reaped the harvest of the seed I sowed.
Like Vusi Thembekwayo says, every excuse and reason is valid from your perspective, but then what. The test isn’t whether you know the reasons for your failures. The test is whether you are willing to do whatever it takes to get to the next level. And taking responsibility is what you have to do to get to that next level.
Be Kind To Yourself — Kill All Negative Thoughts About Yourself and Others.
By successfully taking full responsibility for my circumstances, I had also successfully redirected my venom from others to myself. I gave myself a daily verbal ass-whooping and did not hold back.
Then as life would have it, I found an iBook on my iPhone 4 that changed my entire life — As a Man Thinketh by James Allen.
This book was the catalyst to my recovery. It reminded me of what I already knew deep within but had forgotten. It showed me how my wrong thoughts and lack of thinking had transformed my life into a living hell and how to think rightly and heal myself.
Our thoughts quickly spiral out of control if we don’t stop them right away. It’s like a car rolling downhill, and our only chance of stopping it is at the top of the hill before it gains momentum.
I began watching my every thought like a hawk, but like every new habit, it wasn’t easy, and I failed many times. I persisted and kept on it for weeks.
Anytime I noticed a negative thought forming, I would block it and do the Dikembe Mutombo finger wag. I would also wish the subject of my negative thinking well and say a prayer for them.
I inadvertently said a lot of prayers for myself and others.
Alongside watching my thoughts, I took screenshots of inspirational quotes from Twitter and Tumbler. I had hundreds of quotes on my phone and would read them daily.
I replaced my negative thoughts with positive and inspirational messages. I started enjoying the process and got so good that one day it dawned on me that days had gone by without any negative thoughts.
I was finally free, free from negative thoughts about myself and others; the knot in my stomach had suddenly disappeared, my heart was lighter. I was happy and felt joy for the first time in a long time. I was smiling again and could now recognize the man in the mirror.
Be Teachable — Set Your Ego Aside
Claude Bernard has a quote that says, ‘It is what we know already that often prevents us from learning.’
I started by questioning what I already knew or thought I knew. I spent weeks dissecting my belief system, from my religious beliefs, spirituality, love, friendships, work, entrepreneurship, health, and finances.
I read all sorts of books on topics I assumed I already knew and sought other perspectives on things I had learned.
I felt comfortable being the dumbest person in the room and asked questions, even the obvious ones.
I learned to say ‘I don’t know and sought answers to the things I didn’t know. I had become a student again, a student of life, a student of those who had achieved.
I became teachable, and being teachable is synonymous with humility and setting your ego aside.
This fight for my life is the most challenging thing I’ve ever done, and it was worth it. There is nothing more rewarding than fighting for your life or the lives of your loved ones.
I was able to reclaim my life
- By being honest with myself and taking responsibility for the role I played in messing my life up in the first place.
- By being kind to myself and others and making sure my thoughts about myself and others were always positive.
- By being humble and setting my ego aside so I can learn through life and others that have achieved.
You have to want life. You have to speak positivity into your life. You can’t associate yourself with any negative words or thoughts that will make you feel less than or feel like a victim.
Think life, speak life, seek light.
No matter what you are going through in life, know that you have the power to meet that circumstance, overcome it, and be blessed by it.
It’s only the end of the world if you say it is, and nothing is the end of the world, except the end of the world.
