Returning To Wholeness
— Transitioning from darkness to light
Prompted by the lovely Diana C., I felt led to write about wholeness today.
Monday’s prompt: What does it mean to be a whole person?
Friday’s prompt: What if I am a whole person, despite of other people only seeking certain pieces of me?
After reflecting on these two important questions, I decided to share a piece of my story with you.
My life is now like this blank page in front of me.
I changed everything because I didn’t like what I saw. I had to do it. There was a cry from deep within my soul.
She couldn’t take it any longer — the fakeness, the pretending, the emptiness. Her cry got louder and louder until I had to take action.
She was trapped in the basement, while I conscientiously obeyed the demands and expectations of the world.
I was doing well. “I could do this,” I told myself. I could have these things just like everybody else.
I could be normal, and then I’d be accepted. I could play the game and fit in.
But, she would have to stay in the basement, out of sight. For if she got out, it could be fatal. She’d blow it all into smithereens. She’d embarrass me in front of my friends.
You see, she’s a bit wild, that one. A rebel of sorts. She makes me tired when she’s not happy.
She’s obsessed with happiness.
I tell her, life’s not all about having fun. It’s serious. We have serious things to do, but she disagrees. She always disagrees.
So I stop. I have to because she’s pulling me down, and I will fail if I don’t quieten her. I turn around and say, “Okay, let’s sit down here for a while and talk.”
Me and my inner child (IC) have a chat.
Me: What’s going on sweetie?
IC: What do you think?
Me: I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you.
IC: You lock me down here in the dark basement and forget about me, so you can hang around with your snooty friends!!
Me: I don’t have snooty friends, I was never like that.
IC: Ok, maybe not snooty, but you try to do everything they do.
Me: Well, yes, I suppose, but isn’t that what everybody does? It’s just like, being responsible.
IC: But, you hate it and I hate it.
Me: Well, I don’t know what else to do. Maybe, I’m a bit trapped?
IC: So, that makes two of us then.
PAUSE — thinking and feeling sad now.
Me: But, I don’t know what else I can do? I’m just trying to keep afloat, you know — survive.
IC: You can’t do this anymore — live like this. You have to do something. You have to or we will both die.
That was the conversation I had with my inner child about six years ago. My life felt like such a strain. I only lived to pay the bills, and the bills were getting higher and higher all the time.
I made a decision to take care of me — the whole of me, and start afresh.
Repent and rebuild.
Everything came down, but by choice. Had it not been by choice, it may have led to a breakdown.
I’m not good at being miserable. I know too many miserable people who have it all. So, I figured having less might suit me better.
A simple life with fewer demands and more peace would be better than any life of fitting in.
I decided to do it, no matter the cost. I would not chase status or image of any kind. I would find a way to live where I could keep my inner child with me and slowly create a new life that we could enjoy.
I would find work I liked, friends I liked, and live in a country I liked.
I knew it would take time, but I had time — my life. I didn’t want to waste any more of it on frivolous things that gave no meaning.
I could leave my comfort zone and create a new one where I’d have the life I wanted — a life of peace, joy, and authenticity.
I am on this path now, and the more I move into the unknown, the more I shed. I shed bad attitudes, negativity, anger, rage, bitterness, pride, vanity, greed, etc.
Friendships shift as they can’t hang on to a moving train. I’m moving onward into the unknown, guided by the light. The light of love and peace.
I let God lead me now. I am complete in Him. My inner child is happy. I take good care of her. I listen to her and give her what she needs.
I make good decisions that are true to me and do not harm others. I still miss my past, but that’s not me anymore. It’s just who I used to be.
But in the end, all that doesn’t belong falls away. We don’t have to do anything, only shine bright.
The happy ending is the journey. Once you are no longer stuck in what you don’t want, you have a better chance of attracting what you do.
Is it easy?
No, it’s not.
But, it’s better,
— because it leads to peace and freedom.
