Running’s Teaching Me That Awareness Begins Within
Within the space of this body, within the space of this forehead. Awareness fills this space within.
Still and silent at 4 in the morning, I sit upright on a fluffy bed, back supported by the wall and window behind me. The soles of each foot touch. The lighting is orange and hazy. An image of a point of golden light in a sea of red, I focus on.
The centre of my chest feels warm as light, the feeling of light splays out. Up and to the forehead, the light travels.
Warm heart. Warm mind. Still soul.
After morning meditation, a jog keeps my fire going.
I like to take my time when I jog, letting loose as I feel myself winding down from rapid, spit-fire thoughts… To the ease of running. Just running.
Jogging lets me let go, let loose, be free.
And I appreciate it for that.
My mind wanders, and I remember that I am here. Just here.
I pace back and forth, shifting from one foot to the other and back again.
I don’t take long, giant strides like I used to — Hoping to get it over with as soon as possible.
Instead, I like to bob and shuffle from leg to leg, motion to motion, gently easing my way forward.
I hit this area that I call Lighthouse Lane. Its houses are sweet and quaint, with white panelled sides and long vines garlanding the doorways. A little lamppost sits in most of the front gardens.
They’re white and shine bright against the dark blue sky of the early morning.
The more energy I take with each step on Lighthouse Lane, the more my thoughts begin to rumble. My eyes are holes, endless with the desire to see and absorb the beauty I am in. The beauty of my surroundings.
I feel absorbed and Lighthouse Lane becomes my dress.
I’m letting it in. And the more I take from this dress, the more energy leaks from me.
“Hau-Hau…” My heart’s beating out of my chest.
I’m no longer being, I’m doing. I’m taking from Lighthouse Lane. I don’t feel content anymore.
It’s weird. It’s like my eyes are so consumed with what they’re seeing, eating really. And I fixate on each beautiful detail of these houses. I drag my eyes away, and as I do that, I can feel them tugging at me to pause on another beautiful thing. And I can feel my thoughts infiltrating, weighing in on what the right course of action is. And I can feel my legs, heavy with the lead weight of these frenetic thoughts.
I know that I have to get back in control. I can’t get back in control by ignoring, or forcing; when I run, control comes from letting go.
Letting go of the images, the pictures that my eyes and therefore my mind cling to.
“Let go, let go, let go,”
And I’ve shifted away from that dungeon, back to my heart, to the ease, my peace once again.
Awareness: Who am I?
What costume do I wear? I have many. We have many.
Sometimes when I try a shirt on, I feel possessive over it. As soon as I see that it makes me look the way I want to look, I cling to the idea of purchasing it, of making it work because, through my eyes, I have claimed it as my own. As that which I own.
That’s how I see these different titles — Brother, sister, friend, fiancee. These different wares, these costumes — they’re files of dresses in my mind, thought of by my intellect and stored in my subconscious.
There are files which exist in, I, the soul, that tell me what to do at any moment, during any activity. What to say in response to what someone else says. These are all my wares of motion, karma, action, which I’ve been wearing for years and years, lifetimes and lifetimes.
The wearing is the doing, the soul is the being.
There are wares of emotional excitement, of tension, of anger and moodiness, of sadness. And it’s time to let go.
The brother, the friend, the bride — I have so much to wear.
Aware. A-ware. Lacking dress— Without dress.
Being whole without a costume, whole without a body.
But I don’t see that this is the case, that this is true, when I forget that the dress on my person, on I, the soul… Is just a costume. My whole, covered in linens, threads, lines…
I value my power as an individual. Contentment is an oyster which lays dormant inside. And it seeks, it hopes to be cracked.
That clarity of the soul. The jewel in the space that exists within the forehead. I’m in this state of awareness when I learn to let go.
