Scared Little Boy
Here is a recent jumble of paranoia and inner chaos
Boy, why are you scared? Has the world destroyed your ego? When something good happens, where is your appreciation? Could you stop zoning out and indulging in blankness? You have felt cursed for most of your life, so were you ever thinking clearly? Did the enemy overpower your mind again? Can you find solutions through religion? Do you rely on God to fix all your problems and avoid putting in enough work to fix them yourself?
Could it be when you received that job interview, and everyone treated you nicely? How could kindness shock your body into stillness? Is it hard for you to believe your efforts were honorable? As if you worked hard to remain in the same position you’ve always been in? You know success is a process, yet why do you become impatient? How could you let complacency override your ambition?
Was it after you received the job and became overwhelmed with acceptance? Were you dragged into a state of denial? Did you feel overridden with burden since you took another push away from your inner corruption? Is the darkness within your stomach aiming to stab holes into your heart?
Does the opposite of positivity cause you to pause your goals? Have you fallen in love with what the world offers? Are you forgetting about the spiritual aspects that you depended on during frightening periods? HE told you not to fall in love with what you see, so what are you looking at? HE demanded that you focus on contributing to the world, what have you accomplished? Boy, where did you go wrong?
Humbleness has allowed you to prosper, although are you enhancing your mind? When did self-improvement become self-destruction? Was it the moments of lust when you saw beautiful women in bars and clubs dancing? Can it be the times when you were tempted to smoke weed to deescalate your stress from work? Where do your worries come from? Is there some PTSD you don’t know about? Will your mind continue to numb your soul? Are you trying to relive your glory days?
Can responsibility keep you from enjoying everything that life offers? Do you feel incapable of loving a woman or child? Has life filled you with regrets? Are you afraid of morphing into someone you never thought you could be?
Did money give you a false pleasure and safety? Did you feel like money was going to better your quality of life? Has your good luck provided you with luxuries and experiences that others would die for? You don’t live in a third world country, is your entitlement increasingly developing? Why is it hard for you to satisfy yourself? How can the fruits God offer you become tasteless? What could you complain about?
HE hoped that you would forget about materialistic matters, what are you buying? Does a car boost your value? Can your own home make you feel more approachable and less embarrassed about your status? Boy, where did you go wrong?
Have you chosen to stay sad? Why is it difficult for you to escape your comfort zone? Are you stuck thinking outside of the present during important moments? Can conversation cause your spirit to release itself into the environment?
Are you constantly judged and overlooked? Have too many social interactions left you feeling exhausted? Are parties and events that terrifying? Does your stomach turn as if a knife is entering your skin and twisting your insides? Does dating discourage you? How many women must you approach before you can succeed with one? Are you a crybaby deep inside? Should competition intimidate you?
How could crowds of people cause you to become a different person? Can you avoid snapping in and out of reality? Do you need social cues or triggers to make you feel happy? Must you pretend a little more? Are you feeling out of place and losing motive?
Where have your morals gone? Can you stop trying to fit in and avoid reverting to who you were? Why has this new phase of life taken passion out of everything you do? Can your mind fog and make reality hazy? Have your interests and hobbies become hurdles? Has the process of going out and being active transformed into unendurable hurtfulness? Boy, where did you go wrong?
Do you believe that adjusting your appearance will attract others to you? Is there a way for you to find peace without the possibility of destroying your body? Does movement allow you to free yourself? Have you kept in mind that age dictates your activity? Could you accept that the temple you cherish and suffer to uphold will fall apart eventually?
When you’re forgetful, does it irritate you? Is life moving too fast? Do you feel like a turtle in a marathon? Why do you feel like it is significant to take care of others? Have you thought about those who care about you? Could you build empathy for yourself? Why is it difficult for you to acknowledge the sacrifices you made? When did you forget about your strengths and patience? How can people’s view on you overrule your own?
Do your achievements add significance to your life? Could it make you feel more thrilled for the work you put in? Or is it another form of having people recognize you matter?
Are people’s joy and fun wearing you down? Do you secretly envy anyone who seems content and well put together? Does your heart sink with the comparisons you make? Is it ironic that your old journal highlights trouble you have in the present? Have your repeated themes of discomfort made you corrupted? Are you getting to the point where you want to hurt others? Will making others feel your pain improve your life? Boy, where did you go wrong?
Have people disappointed you too much? Do you feel underserving of the nice environments you access? Are you navigating these rooms like an alien? Have you stayed quiet to avoid showing your true self? Are you on the edge of burning bridges or furthering your foundation? Why does the purpose you serve overshadow the sorrow you must wake up to daily? Where does your mind go when you can’t get enough sleep?
Boy, you are petrified.
