Spirituality & Panic: A Surprising Pairing
How Panic Helped Me Find Enlightenment.
For as long as I can remember, I have had panic and anxiety. I longed for solitude even if it was just being alone in a crowd of people. Being born in a city meant that desire was always far from my reach, always behind a “paywall,” or just impractical as the population increased. I dealt with classrooms with twenty-plus students, buses filled to the brim, and even churches packed with more people than godliness.
My anxiety over the years turned into forms of paranoia and a strong feeling of misanthropy. I would have very rational and reasonable feelings of being judged, but I felt it to such an extreme degree that I didn’t want to leave the house. I like to think my sensitivity to others' wants and emotions is a type of empathic ability. I can feel other people’s perspectives to the point of seeing myself in a different way. Because of that, my levels of heightened ego and self-hatred are nearly endless. The ability isn’t as glamorous as many think. Sure you could probably talk anyone through a problem, but foreign emotions linger.
I remember a lot, even stuff that arent my burden anymore or never was. Therefore, I panic when I wake up in the morning. Waking up to reality is a harsh moment to swallow. Instead of the typical to-do list and how to be more productive thoughts, I get thoughts that I label, “too real and too painful.” Those are the thoughts most wouldn’t want to spend 15 minutes pondering. Such thoughts would make me sound overly sensitive if spoken to friends or loved ones.
For example, I was the second most bullied kid in my elementary. One day to fit in I helped bully another kid that was more hated than me. I felt the camaraderie one feels while being in a mob of people. That sense of belonging can compel people to do hideous things all with a sense of happiness. I also felt the desperation, despair, and self-hatred from the kid we were teasing. So, I learned a lesson and also got saturated by another’s pain. I wake up and wonder sometimes if that kid is ok now after thirty-plus years. Was my impact on his life detrimental or over time positive. I showed him mercy; the other kids didn’t.
The thoughts are overwhelming, and I can’t stop them. The cycle of feeling, reliving, and analyzing is like an addiction that never goes away. I became mute around middle school. What is the point of speaking if you just want to be alone anyway? My mom is deeply religious, so she had a rotation of preachers pray for me almost every month. If she believed in exorcisms, I bet I would have had to endure one. So, religion was the first place I learned to run to when I panicked or felt overwhelmed. From there I went to atheism. From there a deep dive into philosophy. Then medication and therapy. Finally spirituality; I fled into all its mainstream and esoteric depths.
I wish I could say it all clicked for me then. That would be a pretty and comforting thing to read. It would make for a great article, but it would be a lie. I still have panic and anxiety-and feelings far worst; however, what has changed is my relationship with those feelings. Through the years of learning spiritual mindfulness, I learned some things about myself. For starters, I am an empath whether I like it or not (I don’t like it). Secondly, I need solitude to recharge even if it is just being alone in a crowd of people isolated in a corner or with headphones on. And lastly, my spirituality is important to me even if it isn’t popular or mainstream.
Spirituality gave me a large assortment of options to choose from. Religion is cool because you can find God or a sense of divinity anywhere by any means. However, spirituality is like a buffet of options. It has everything, so you can find what works best for you. You still get judged; don’t be fooled.
I tried out a lot of things and embraced many concepts. Law of attraction? Heck yeah. Awareness of Christ Consciousness. Yep. Driving into knowledge about ancient deities and practices. Fun times. Chants, meditations, and charms. Sure. Even some dark occult stuff that I don’t talk about. I believe the road to hell (despair and complete ruin in non christian terms) is paved with assumptions. If something is good, I need to know why. If something is bad, I also need to know why. I learned to accept that curiosity, accepting all the karma along the way, through spirituality.
I still panic, have paranoia, and long for extreme solitude. No one practice has helped me. However, they all helped me in unison to make sense of my reality. No one can take away what works for me even if they don’t agree with it. So, I continue to study and practice what works: mindfulness, meditation, yoga, aromatherapy, counseling, and writing. Add to that spirituality that leans a lot towards esoteric knowledge. Sometimes I can’t find a book on subjects I like, so I write them. If the akashic records are real, then I feel I write from that source.
I read a lot about psychology and how the brain works. I also love reading about neuroscience. It is fascinating stuff that helps me make sense of my feelings (and empath abilities). In short, I am an introvert that needs a lot of time alone to recharge. However, at the same time I need mental stimulation or else I get bored which leads to all sorts of problems. So, I read, write, and study a lot.
The key is to find what works for you and do more of that. So, if you are like me, don’t give up. Keep looking until you find your path even if it takes many years as it did for me. If you have to, accept that something unsavory like panic may be what is needed to find your truth.
