Stay

My reminders to stay alive

Photo by Ty Tomlinson on Unsplash

The moments come so fast and frequent that it’s hard to even notice them before they are about to take my breath away. In those moments, these are the reminders of why I stay.

I stay for another day in the warmth of the sun, book in hand and dog by my side.

For the new roller coasters I haven’t tried and for the pure joy of taking my friends on the ones that I have.

I need to stay until I learn to grow a garden, play the violin, and bake my favorite cake again.

I stay because I want a bike to go meander all across town like I did as a kid.

I stay for puppy kisses, baby snuggles, and children giggles.

For the day when the shampoo and conditioner run out at the same time.

For watching my kids collecting seashells on the beach, teaching my daughter to shave her legs and showing my boys how to tie a tie.

I have to stay for all of the hugs I still have to give.

For all of the carpool karaoke sessions still to be sung and new high scores on my favorite video games still to be won.

I need to stay until I get a hat trick and beat my husband at darts.

To watch all of the Sister Wives drama unfold and hopefully see it finally get canceled.

I need to stay for more plane rides, window seats, turbulence, conversations with random strangers and giving tips on how to score better on Men In Black.

Staying is not about “this is only temporary, you’ll get through it, imagine how everyone else will feel, leaving is selfish, this isn’t the answer, it’s not that bad, others have it worse, look at what it would do to them.” None of that matters unless I want to stay. What matters is not the cliche but rather each tiny step that gets me from one moment to the other day after day. I need to stay for me. What will I have robbed from myself if I don’t choose to stay?

I stay to watch Grey’s Anatomy, memorize The Office and throw out more one liners from Friends.

I stay so I can get a fun car again, go on another cruise, fall asleep under the stars, bury my toes in the sand and paddleboard in the ocean.

I need to stay so my hair can grow out and I can chop it all off again.

I stay so my scars can heal and I can get an epic tattoo to remind me of what I have grown through.

For last minute lunch dates and impromptu house visits

To mow the grass, and to finally decorate my home.

I stay because someday I will want to go out for a late night ice cream.

I need to stay for more bonfires, s’mores and movies in the driveway.

For the smells at Christmas and all of the lights at Silver Dollar City.

For all of the songs I have yet to fall in love with and play on repeat till the end of time.

I need to stay.